Shoulder surgery recovery - day 9

 

It has been nine days since my big shoulder surgery. I had my rotator cuff and labrum repaired and general cleanup. But the big thing was also reattaching my bicep tendon which had ruptured from my shoulder. This terrible injury did not occur from some spectacular feat or accident; rather it just exploded with the most mundane of little tasks. My RA has damaged so many of my joints that even the muscles and cartilage are fragile; and all this damage started from lifting a gallon of milk! After surgery, my surgeon told me that the bicep was in such terrible shredded condition that he did not hold much hope that it would really adhere and take to the anchors, so it is a wait-and-see. 

As it is my dominant side that is injured, I am very limited in what I'm able to do. I have an elaborate sling, which keeps my elbow and arm propped out at an angle. I swear the designers of this sling were men; the bolster that keeps my arm out, is in line with my breasts, and they vie for positioning. My breast wins, and my bolster keeps being pushed down to my waist which doesn't keep my elbow propped out. And that causes pain and strains attachments. It is a constant readjustment all day. If a woman had designed this, I believe she would've made an indentation that would allow for the breast to rest inside the bolster, thus keeping my sling in alignment at the proper height. 

I am finding new ways to do things, such as an electric toothbrush, waterpik, and Apple dictation to write this post. But by far the biggest adjustment has been reluctantly accepting the fact that I need an aide.  Prior to my surgery. I thought I would need help for maybe 3 to 5 days but it has become apparent that I cannot do so many things. Also, I have been off my RA medication for three weeks and have another week to go, this means that my RA is flared up and it is extremely painful to walk, even to stand. My hands are extremely useless and painful. RA DMARD and biologic medications suppress your natural immune system. That is necessary because my immune system attacks my own tissues. When you're healing from an infection, surgery or illness, you must be off the RA medications, as it inhibits your healing. So combine the shoulder surgery with untreated, RA, and I'm virtually hobbled.

Enter my dear friend DL. DL has been staying with me since the surgery and I have come to rely on him so much. This makes me very uncomfortable as I am a very independent person. I am known to be an impatient patient. I often push before I'm ready.  Accepting the help I need taxes my patience and strong willful spirit.

As a person with an autoimmune illness, I am used to being physically challenged. But now I feel downright disabled. And that is a hard reality to accept. I am told this will be a long recovery, 4 to 6 months. Two months in this restricted sling. I am so grateful to DL for staying with me giving me the help I need and I find that I often worry about his motivation. I think surely he must be getting tired of me and he'll leave tomorrow and how will I make do? But I am learning to trust in his love for me, and accept that what he says is true that he will be here for me as long as I need. What a gift and I am a fool if I do not accept it with gratitude and wholeheartedness, I am very lucky. True friends are a life treasure.

Pain in the . . .

 I have not written as much lately because I injured my shoulder a couple months ago and am now in a sling.  I will be having  shoulder surgery this week. I miss painting, writing and being creative with my hands and I will not be able to return to regular activities for couple more months. Yuk.

Don't forget me; No doubt, I'll be back with funny tales of my recovery. I welcome any healing vibes, prayers, gifts of chocolate, any token of affection... ;-) See you/read you in May! 

Ageism and sexism in my medical care.

Sorry for long post but this is a cautionary tale about sexism/ageism in medicine . I have aggressive rheumatoid arthritis so many of my joints are not in good shape.  Focussed intervention and pain relief efforts have been on my spine, knees and hands. And my compromised immunity. But last year I began with chronic shoulder pain. I sucked it up and just dealt with it as I am used to living with pain.  People with chronic illness know how you have to triage your issues that you address with doctors etc.

My right shoulder had been getting worse and worse and I finally thought "hmmm, I better see a shoulder guy". But before I got around to it, on November 5th of 2023, it gave out with terrible pain that sent me to emergency room. They said there was nothing they could do beside give me an ibuprofin (!) and refer me to an orthopedic doc. So I go see a specialist. I got a cortizone shot and orders for an mri. And he referred me to a shoulder specialist, suspecting a rotator cuff tear. 

My insurance denied the MRI twice because, as my doctor explained, "women my age all walk around with shoulders "worn out'".  It was not deemed necessary. I was told it was just part of aging and needed to keep moving it (even though I could not without great pain). 

So I am sitting  in shoulder specialist office and he reiterates that same and sends me to physical therapy so that I would not get frozen shoulder, citing it is another condition plaguing women over 60. He reiterated that as woman over 60, this was normal. He repeatedly (on every one of my 4 visits to him), cited a study which concluded that 80% of women over 60 are walking around with partial tears in their shoulder and do not even know it. (the message: toughen up, it is normal.)

I was dumbfounded and told him repeatedly 'well that is interesting but clearly that does not apply to me as I know I have an injury and my function is limited and I am in great pain'. He orders an MRI for third time and finally it is approved. But off to physical therapy I go.

That first MRI in January showed partial rotator cuff tear with  lots of other things like bursitis, tendinitis, bone spurs, fluid buildup, and several partial tears of tendons. Orthopedic surgeon told me that “it is regular wear and tear for  woman my age, live with it. Do your exercises"

So against my inner voice, I went to PT. Each time telling the therapist that it was terribly painful, more than I thought it should be as I have had rehabilitative PT on other joints before and know how rehab should feel. They said they were operating with surgeon's diagnosis of "impingement syndrome" and the exercises recommended for that were to prevent frozen shoulder. I do believe my nerves were impinged but I believe that was because of what was really going on. And the PT was making  it worse with each passing session.

One week later I experienced a terrible shoulder 'episode (?)' (my surgeon kept telling me 'that is not an injury")  simply reaching for something at CVS. It was way  worse and I returned to see doctor and asked for second MRI as I was in even more pain. He denied ordering a 2nd MRI request and sent me away saying to stay the course. 2 weeks later , another episode happened while showering and I was left in worse excruciating pain with even less mobility. 

I suspended my PT for a week and was taking pain pills and living with ice on it. I tried to resume PT after a week off and then the therapist suspended my PT because I had drastically declined instead of improving, it was swollen, hot to touch, super painful and I had lost almost all mobility.

Back to doctor and I then demanded another MRI and he ordered it. 2nd MRI showed worsening decline. I now had a new type 2 SLAP tear that was not found in my MRI one month previous. But most importantly, my bicep tendon had now detatched from my shoulder! Plus more other bad stuff.

NOW, I have to have a fairly big shoulder surgery. I have to have both an arthroscopic rotator cuff repair. But I have to also have a SLAP repair and partial open (in front of shoulder) tendon reattachment which involves drilling holes into my shoulder and making new anchor for tendon. I will need to be immobilized four to six weeks and rehabilitation four to six months. Motherfucker! Of course I got a second opinion and changed surgeons. 

If I had been listened to and not written off as "a woman over 60 with the usual complaint of worn out shoulder" I believe it would not have gotten so bad. And I wouuld not have been in terrible pain with increasing lack of function for four months. More sexism and ageism occurred but I will spare you those details. The important thing is I finally believed what I had been seeing and left that doctor. He had scheduled me for the surgery when I went for a second opinion and scheduled the surgery with the second opinion orthopedic surgeon. It was such a good feeling to call surgeon #1's office and say I was cancelling my surgery because I am going with another doctor. They were stunned and I was gleeful as I smiled and said goodbye1

The moral of this story: be vigilant and an advocate for yourself in the world of healthcare.

Love musings

This is a drawing made for me years ago by one of my first graders when I was an elementary school art teacher.  I love it; it symbolizes how I see love. An open heart with no restrictions, full of joy. While this represented an innocent love between a child and her caregiver, the image is a metaphor for adult romantic love.  As we grow up, society does a number on us; we are indoctrinated with cultural mandates of what love is supposed to look like.  Some myths are totally useless (like women being saved by knights on white horses, or the good, pretty girl gets the white picket fence and devoted good husband). And then some myths are downright dangerous (ohhh his extreme jealousy just means he loves you, or if you really love someone, you will ride it out and change his unacceptable behavior). Sadly, we often are left feeling unlovable when we do not find the prescribed and approved love of mainstream culture. Or we find ourselves unlovable because we are "not a good catch' by society's standards. 

But there is an alternative. A reality of your choosing where you can respectfully love and receive love in ways that suit the two of you.  It may be queer, it may be unconventional, it may require hard work, it may fly in the face of what you thought true love would look like. It is valid, when you love with your heart and do not try to impose control over your loved one. It is not one size fits all. Love is more grey than black or white. It is complicated, unique and messy. And if we can see clearly and accept what others offer with their  love, we are often happier. And may have more people to love.

Let me start with saying I am a very passionate and emotional person. I get soft and gushy when I am in love. But many loves in my life have often taken issue with my independent and unconventional spirit. More than once I entered into long term monogamous relationships because I loved the person and that was just expected. I entered the relationship totally onboard but over years, as I grew and developed different interests I wanted to explore, I felt stifled by mainstream relationship limitations. It was not OK that I wanted to go to a women's camping festival alone or take a mini trip by myself or explore erotic venues my partner was not into. They felt if I loved them, I would not want to pursue those interests they were not OK with. They declared I did not really love them. It made for bad feelings all around and I was the villain, hurting them; and my love was questioned. 

Again, I feel the need to emphasize that I am very loving and care a great deal for the  people I am in any kind of relationship with: familial, friend, lover... I just am not willing (any more) to cow tow to expectations that do not honor my integrity as I am. I care if my  person feels left out, insecure, miffed. I try to reassure and look at my behaviors to see if I am out of line. But if I really need to do or be something for my own sense of wholeness, I will do so gently and with consideration; but I will probably do it  even if another feels upset. Compromises occur yes! But on big things that I feel strongly about, I choose me. 

For me, this has meant that I do not accept mandates from lovers that tell me I cannot be friends with exes. How selfish to ask your beloved to give up an important relationship that is no longer a lover relationship.  I am loathe to agree to monogamy anymore. It is not that I want to flit around here and there. But I do not feel that control needs to be in place. Dedication to my lover, open communication and respect guide our actions and nurture a healthy relationship. And there may be valid reasons why one partner or both occasionally interact with another. On a practical level (and let's face it, we need to adopt what actually works in our lives), I may not be able to spend  a lot of time frequently with a lover. Doesn't negate our feelings, but are we expected to be celibate between absences? Or I may be attracted to and love someone whose lifestyle and choices are not compatible with mine for a primary, 24/7 kind of relationship. But we can meet on common ground and love each where our lives intersect. I prefer living alone and it does not mean I love my partner any less. And I have super close friendships that take a significant amount of my energies; and that needs to be respected and hopefully celebrated. These are just a few of the ways I make my love relationships unique and they buck the norm.

So, if you find yourself feeling low because you do not have a fairytale romantic love and life; no worries. You need to realize that you were probably trying to fit into a mold that was not suitable for you. Look inside and really see who you are and what you want. Look around and really see who is out there, lovable and ready for your heart. It may not look look like a Hallmark movie romance, but it if the respect, admiration and chemistry is there, it is real! So, go forth and love genuinely and bravely. Do no harm but take no shit.

PS: the second drawing was also drawn by one of my first graders. I am honored that he saw me this way. Loving with arms wide open. 

Picatso

I live with my feline daughter, Bimini, or Bimi, as I call her. She is my love and also a pain in there a**. But we are family and are inseparable. She has observed me these past six months in my studio making and creating. And she wanted to be a part of it. This is her first painting! Titled "Fishies, yum". 12 X 12 acrylic.

Two previous attempts failed but we learned a lot. I lay the canvas on the floor, placed paint on it and covered with plastic and let her play on it spreading it around. Catnip and a toy facilitated the process. Despite my best preparations, she ended up with paint all over her. That was fun (rolling my eyes). 

After two attempts that we were not happy with, she let me know that she wanted some assistance. She wanted to paint something she loves, like food!

So, this choice of fishies was a natural. I painted the fishies and then she took over. I am so proud of her and will hang this in "her corner" (although she runs the whole home). She is thinking next of birdies or squirrels. She loves to look and stalk birds and small animals outside, from the safety of indoors. (She is not an outdoor cat as I adopted her with front paws already declawed and she has severe skin allergies and is allergic to fleas and stuff.) Here she is, resting after her artistic efforts, not doubt thinking of new exciting compositions.

Therapy

In the previous post, I made reference to decades of therapy. I did it in stages and took breaks. Whether you engage in such long term work or a shorter stint, I highly recommend it for everyone. Everyone carries unresolved issues from life and it is helpful to have a safe place to work through things that do not involve your circle of family and friends. I have had several therapists over the years, as I needed different approaches at different times.  Most I remember fondly. 

I made this collage over a decade ago and titled it Therapy. Funny that I never shared the collage with my therapist. It would have been rich for examination about our relationship and work together. I've made many mixed media pieces and never shared them over the years. Wonder why. Oh well, I am sharing it now. 

Years later, I painted this piece

in appreciation of my journey and gifted it to my therapist at that time. I was so touched when he sent me a pic of it framed and displayed in his home. It is a mixed media piece that incorporates collage but was more an illustration/painting.

Nostalgic appreciation

In cleaning out my garage, I found this canvas. I was so happy to see it. It is my first painting made, about 22 years ago. Sorry for the unprofessional picture, I do not have professional photographs of my work. I have to use my easel and bright light and it is not lying totally flat, thus the wonky perspective. 

I remember this was my first assignment in a painting class at Broward Community College. It was there that I met one of my favotite teachers, Lamonte Anderson. He was a kind and talented teacher, loved to tell stories, especially of his travels painting around the world. His home, which he opened once a year for student parties, was colorful and full of art. He had a large and wonderful collection of wind chimes from around the world on his patio. Over the next few years, he was instrumental to my artistic growth by building up my confidence and delivering thoughtful critiques. He entered me in juried exhibitions and wow, I was accepted in a few and even won first place in one. We bonded in a special mentor friendship. He gifted me his decades old painting glass that he (and then I) used as a palette. I cherished it until it broke. 

I took his painting 101 class and on the very first day, after a basic introduction to the technical use of acrylics, he said "well you all have had drawing 1 and 2. I believe the best way to learn is to do. So, your first assignment is a self portrait. Get to it. " Done. Everyone was freaking out and carrying on. "I can't draw faces!" "Can't we start with fruit?" But I was excited. Eager.

As it would turn out, I have a penchant for self portraits. So many artists are drawn to them. They are such powerful vehicles for self reflection and expression. So I created this Self Portrait 1 (acrylic 16 X 20). As I have referenced before, around 2009, I went though a profound lost period where I abandoned all painting until a re-blossoming of my creativity last year. 

So finding this first painting I ever did was poignant and nostalgic. After my initial excitement, my inner critic kicked in. I see so many technical drawing and painting errors. I need to silence them to appreciate the positives. For it is a powerful piece to me. I softly smiled at seeing my love of color and expressive brushwork present from the start. I reminisced about my period when Zen Buddhism was important to me: the meditation pose and Quan Yin statue in top right corner. 

But what gave me a gut punch was my clear depiction of my wounded self on canvas. No subtlety about it. I painted a large gash over my heart. And if that was not not clear enough, I painted something like smoke or psychic energy emanating from it. I was stunned. I had forgotten.

Immediately, I was flooded with compassion for my formerly wounded self of that time. I have worked hard in mental health therapy these past decades and I am now a much more whole and authentically joyful self. Yes, I have earlier traumas that I have scars from, but I do not lead with an identity of a wounded soul anymore. So much healing has taken place. In early 2000's, I was so devastated by my father's death. And I was dealing with early traumas and other issues. So when I made a self portrait, of course that wound was clearly given form.

I also ache for my vulnerable self, presenting this piece at my class' critique and being oblivious to how others would react to the gash, lol. Lamonte was a pro, gently referencing it and then using it for a generalized segway into how self portraits are ways artists to express themselves with color and form. They do not have to be literal. But I remember my peers looking puzzled asking if I 'meant' to portray a smoking gash over my heart? It was only then that I became self conscious and then embarrassed. I was so naive to my honesty in art and how it can affect the viewer's reactions and judgements.

Now, fighting my inner critic, I have decided to hang this painting in my home. It is powerful and marks an important time and an artistic beginning for me. I am compassionate and tender towards myself and it reminds me how far I have come. I love it.