Love musings

This is a drawing made for me years ago by one of my first graders when I was an elementary school art teacher.  I love it; it symbolizes how I see love. An open heart with no restrictions, full of joy. While this represented an innocent love between a child and her caregiver, the image is a metaphor for adult romantic love.  As we grow up, society does a number on us; we are indoctrinated with cultural mandates of what love is supposed to look like.  Some myths are totally useless (like women being saved by knights on white horses, or the good, pretty girl gets the white picket fence and devoted good husband). And then some myths are downright dangerous (ohhh his extreme jealousy just means he loves you, or if you really love someone, you will ride it out and change his unacceptable behavior). Sadly, we often are left feeling unlovable when we do not find the prescribed and approved love of mainstream culture. Or we find ourselves unlovable because we are "not a good catch' by society's standards. 

But there is an alternative. A reality of your choosing where you can respectfully love and receive love in ways that suit the two of you.  It may be queer, it may be unconventional, it may require hard work, it may fly in the face of what you thought true love would look like. It is valid, when you love with your heart and do not try to impose control over your loved one. It is not one size fits all. Love is more grey than black or white. It is complicated, unique and messy. And if we can see clearly and accept what others offer with their  love, we are often happier. And may have more people to love.

Let me start with saying I am a very passionate and emotional person. I get soft and gushy when I am in love. But many loves in my life have often taken issue with my independent and unconventional spirit. More than once I entered into long term monogamous relationships because I loved the person and that was just expected. I entered the relationship totally onboard but over years, as I grew and developed different interests I wanted to explore, I felt stifled by mainstream relationship limitations. It was not OK that I wanted to go to a women's camping festival alone or take a mini trip by myself or explore erotic venues my partner was not into. They felt if I loved them, I would not want to pursue those interests they were not OK with. They declared I did not really love them. It made for bad feelings all around and I was the villain, hurting them; and my love was questioned. 

Again, I feel the need to emphasize that I am very loving and care a great deal for the  people I am in any kind of relationship with: familial, friend, lover... I just am not willing (any more) to cow tow to expectations that do not honor my integrity as I am. I care if my  person feels left out, insecure, miffed. I try to reassure and look at my behaviors to see if I am out of line. But if I really need to do or be something for my own sense of wholeness, I will do so gently and with consideration; but I will probably do it  even if another feels upset. Compromises occur yes! But on big things that I feel strongly about, I choose me. 

For me, this has meant that I do not accept mandates from lovers that tell me I cannot be friends with exes. How selfish to ask your beloved to give up an important relationship that is no longer a lover relationship.  I am loathe to agree to monogamy anymore. It is not that I want to flit around here and there. But I do not feel that control needs to be in place. Dedication to my lover, open communication and respect guide our actions and nurture a healthy relationship. And there may be valid reasons why one partner or both occasionally interact with another. On a practical level (and let's face it, we need to adopt what actually works in our lives), I may not be able to spend  a lot of time frequently with a lover. Doesn't negate our feelings, but are we expected to be celibate between absences? Or I may be attracted to and love someone whose lifestyle and choices are not compatible with mine for a primary, 24/7 kind of relationship. But we can meet on common ground and love each where our lives intersect. I prefer living alone and it does not mean I love my partner any less. And I have super close friendships that take a significant amount of my energies; and that needs to be respected and hopefully celebrated. These are just a few of the ways I make my love relationships unique and they buck the norm.

So, if you find yourself feeling low because you do not have a fairytale romantic love and life; no worries. You need to realize that you were probably trying to fit into a mold that was not suitable for you. Look inside and really see who you are and what you want. Look around and really see who is out there, lovable and ready for your heart. It may not look look like a Hallmark movie romance, but it if the respect, admiration and chemistry is there, it is real! So, go forth and love genuinely and bravely. Do no harm but take no shit.

PS: the second drawing was also drawn by one of my first graders. I am honored that he saw me this way. Loving with arms wide open.