Solidarity heart connections

Writing that last post reminded me of a memory that I want to share. Back in 2009 ( I think), Isreal was again bombing Palestine in sustained airstrikes. I was a teacher at a charter elementary school whose owner/president was a right wing Christian. To get the job, I had to sign a morality clause that included a rule against public unseemly behavior. During the time of Ft Lauderdale public protests against these Isreal airstrikes on Gaza, teachers were told not to attend these protests and if we did, we could be fired if we were somehow public seen or photographed. They said it was covered in the "morality clause". I felt strongly that I needed to let my protests be seen so I defied the rule and went to the protest. While I was there, I stood next to a man waving the Palestinian flag and I got to talking with him. I told him about my undemocratic school prohibition for attending the rally. He bought over another friend and told me they were Palestinian and they wanted to thank me for risking my job to be there. They we so moved, and I in turn was moved by THEM. I made a painting (my first foray into oil paintng) of this man waving his flag. This is my painting of that man and another of me at that protest. It is meaningful to me. If you like this painting, you can purchase a print fit at my Etsy shop.

The other photo is myself with the man in question behind me in the red shirt. He had given his friend the flag and we were now holding signs at a busy Ft Lauderdale road downtown.

Presents are fun; but acceptance of your the present existence is the real gift.

I've been absent a little bit. I miss writing; but I have had physically and mentally taxing difficulties to deal with. My autoimmune challenges keep progressing. I am still keeping hope alive that Enbrel and hydroxychloroquin will start to at least arrest the progression. It takes 2-3 months to feel effects of the biologic injections and I keep having to stop the injections because of poor health so I have only gotten to 6 weeks. But I resume next week.

My hand, elbow and shoulder joints are bad and are limited in how I can use them and very painful. Constant pain makes me sad and cranky!

Also my low immunity causes me to get infectious things easier. I got the shingles vaccine couple weeks ago and whoa. I got such a bad immunologic reaction, I was scared. 102 fever, vomiting, acute painful swelling (baseball size) of lymph nodes in my armpit that traveled up to jaw and cheeks and terrible pain to name the highlights. Two days are a blur. I am still coming out out of it and dealing with waning symptoms weeks later. So, from now on, I need to get medical clearance for vaccines. But at same time, medical practitioners advise I  get all vaccines because I am at high risk for infectious illnesses and cannot fight them well. Catch 22.

The other taxing issue is the sobering reality of my living situation. I am (at this point, and I hope it improves) needing some assistance with some daily activities. I need to hire some help and am looking at once a week. I'll save my tasks for that time but it is hard because some needs are small and ongoing, like opening jars, bottles, carrying laundry, taking out garbage, reaching for things high up, vacuming, bringing in groceries...  I am now having to think long term about my living arrangements and my possible need for increasing assistance. That is a hard pill to swallow. I am now applying for Medicaid so that I can get help paying for in home assistance and possible other increased help down the line. VERY  much bureaucratic process and hard to get accepted.

But what I am having hardest time with is my tendency of longing for the past. I long for my past healthier body. From vain aspects to accessibility aspects to painfree aspects. I am sad and have episodes of "why me?" I am envious of others my age that seem to have better health and abilities. 

Luckily, I am wise enough to know that I need to reign in those ideas and feelings and ACCEPT the present situation and make the best of it. I need to see the world around me as I am just one speck in it. We all suffer, it is a hallmark of being alive. I am practicing being gracious, asking for help  and being clear eyed. I am cultivating contentedness. Letting go of all other stuff that does not serve me. It is tough but I am embracing it. I might fall but have to get back up and keep on trying.

So, it is Christmas Eve today and I have been enjoying my holiday preparations, activities and plans.

With assistance  for rolling out the dough, I made kitty shaped alfajor cookies, planned for a relaxed sweet gathering at my place tonight, champagne is chilled. Since my hair and nails have been destroyed by the medication I take, I even had fun donning press-on fancy nails! I chose an iridescent moon color and love them. I am enjoying my tree lights and handcrafted wrapped presents under my baby live tree. And I am content. 

So, I am enjoying my holiday and hope you are too. But let me leave you with an appeal. We can hold more than one reality in our hearts at the same time. And however we  work to bring contentment into our lives, we must see and act as world citizens and community. We are all connected. There are so many issues I hold dear and work for, but right now, the literal genocide in Palestine calls for worldwide aid and assistance. Please educate yourself on this ethnic cleansing of an entire people. Write, call officials and call for a permanent cease-fire. engage with the boycott and divestment movements towards Isreal. Being anti-Zionist is not anti-Jewish! All world citizens need to keep the resistance alive and in the news and be an ally in whatever way you can. Nothing is too small. 

My evolving Christmas (holiday) traditions

I have been quiet online lately. The despair of watching a US backed genocide of the Palestinian people by Isreal, far right advances in eroding civil rights that were hard won at great cost, chronic pain, Thanksgiving familial get togethers and a sick cat, to name a few distractions. October through January 1st is my favorite time of year. Actually, I am not one to relish New Years, never have been. But it provides closure to the winter holidays. And, now in December, I long to bring in the nostalgic wonder and gratitude for the beautiful traditions I grew up with for Christmas.

Christmas was a wondrous event in my family when my parents were alive, in large part to my mother. She decorated with a designer's eye and spent time on the tiniest details to make us feel special. The decor, the smells, the displays, the food, all made our home a magical place. In my childhood through mid twenties, we  always spent Christmas Eve with our intimate circle of (mainly) other Peruvian families. As all our biological families were in Peru, our families anointed each other familia; we called the grown ups "tio and tia (uncle and auntie) and their children were our primos and primas (cousins). We went all out on Christmas Eve; the 25th was more a laid back, for-the-kids relaxing day of food and brunch with  the families.

A resplendent tree (my mother adopted an unorthodox vanguard aluminum 1970's modern tree with psychedelic lights, lol) and wrapped presents laid out throughout December so the kids could ooh and ahhh all month, and wonder what it hid. Handmade wreaths, Peruvian desserts and wonderful smells permeated our home. But mainly, it was ingrained in my soul as a time for familia.

Now, at 61, my parents long passed, I long for a continuation of the feel of those Christmas', however, adopted to my current life. I am sad that once my parents died, much of the grand familial traditions seemed to have diminished and as family has moved apart geographically and our life-styles and beliefs have evolved, we are no longed as wedded to the gathering of familia at any costs; many traditions we grew up with have fallen to the wayside. My sisters, like many people, now prioritize their familia as being the tight circle they created with spouses and children. Sure, their childless, single tia is well loved but I am not in the inner circle. No matter, I want to create a sense of familia in my home, carrying on my meaningful traditions, old and new. I want my "sobrinos and sobrinas" (nephews and nieces) and sisters to soak up my love through meaningful gestures that harken to our familial roots. 

Travel is difficult for me with my chronic pain, immuno-suppression and financial constraints. So, I am planning a small Christmas Eve at my place for few friends. All loved ones welcomed! I got a live tropical pine-like tree (Norfolk Island Pine) that will do for a humble Christmas tree. She loves heat and humidity so will do well on my porch throughout the year and I can bring her back in to decorate for future Christmases. I am only displaying ornaments that have sentimental meaning. Yummy Peruvian food and desserts will be served and of course I will be drinking champagne on Christmas Eve. I will open gifts on  the Eve. 

I am taking extra effort to give my loved ones a feeling of specialness with handmade wrapping paper. I bought a large Kraft roll and string and am stamping, drawing and stenciling the paper.

I am picking images and designs that speak to the person. For instance, I am including whimsical llamas to reflect our/my Peruvian roots and other paper features a variety of lovely feathers, which are special to two different people in my life. Dog and cat lovers got their companion animals on theirs, etc. It was laborious (my arthritic hands hurt) but I took my time and enjoyed playing crafts. It is not be as elaborate as my mother's grand efforts. (She made beautiful wreaths special for each person. Even finding a tiny wooden violin for my tio, who was a music professor.) But it is the same in effort, sentiment and love.

I am  happy to celebrate and wish someone greetings for Winter Solstice, Hanukkha or whatever. But I was, of course, raised Catholic. I love God, Jesus, Mary, etc. (I also love elements of pagan and indigenous spirituality). But for me, Christmas is a time for celebrating Jesus's birth, child like wonder and showing appreciation for those we love. I even give my doctors that I see most often, my massage therapist, my lash lady small gifts. I make stockings. I drink cocoa and watch Christmas movies. I am a geek for the holidays.  I like to do it. it makes me happy. It's a beautiful thing.

I hope you enjoy the winter holiday season and practice meaningful traditions for you and yours. 

 

I had an illegal abortion at 14 yrs. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made with long term effects. I do not regret it, it was the right choice. I would not allow someone else to dictate what was right for my body and life, even if it meant unsafe, scary measures. Having a baby at 14 yrs would have meant a drastically tragic path for the me. Once our bodies are controlled and mandatory breeding enforced, women will lose all their rights in all other areas of their lives. Never go back!! No matter your childbearing age... all of us , including men, must support accessible safe choices for women!! Also, adequate, sex education must be appropriately taught in all schools. My high school teachers passed out telephone books (yes the thick ones of 1970's) and intervened in couples sitting in the decorated gymnasium together, instructing us to place the book on the boys lap if we were to sit on our date's lap for pics; because sitting on a boys lap fully clothed was how we could get pregnant!!

Evolving and letting go... fashion/styles edition

NOTE: I am using lots of gendered descriptions of what "feminine" means for me in this essay. I know that all women define what being a woman means for themselves. Some people born female, do not see themselves as "women" at all. That is not my experience and for this personal tale, I refer just to my experience. So, I am using wording that reflect my ideas of what femininity and woman-ness mean to me, a woman born in 1962. If my descriptions feel un-relatable or confusing, consider it a sociological relic from times past (but actually, not so conceptually antiquated for many women today).

I am going through a shedding, a lightening of my personal carry-ons in this life. I am a hoarder of sorts for fashion items: clothes, shoes, purses, makeup. Like all plus size women, I retain my smaller size clothes I once wore with hopes of fitting into them again. And like all femmes who played with high femme costumes at times, I hold on to those vestiges of a style past. 

I have had several styles throughout my life. Playful and curious girl, athletic child through my 20's, teen fox, college feminist, lesbian soft butch, leather grrl and later back to femme. In my forties, I experimented with occasional high femme costumes for select interactions. I played with high heels, fetishy clothes at times. I had returned to dating men after decades of lesbianism and played with occasional stereotypical vixen-like costumes and styles. I was like a little girl playing dress up. I guess I wanted to see what I had "missed" all those decades. I sometimes enjoyed the attention it got me, but generally felt uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. 

I also was influenced by "mi reina" (my queen), my mother, who died in my late 40's. My mother was a beautiful, high femme style icon in my world. She manifested herself as an elegant and yes, sexy woman all her life. The woman wore heels until close to her death in her 70's. She had a svelte figure that she encased in stylish dresses, accessories and when she "dressed up", watch out! She was a feminine beauty most women aspired to. I have such glittery memories of her stepping out with my dad, heavily perfumed, makeup, hair and nails impeccable, and clothed in awesome outfits that always included the highest of heels (her favorites: Charles Jourdan’s) She was sumptuous and classy in her outfits and impressive jewelry. Her Latin flair colored her aura and choices. And yes, she donned a mink and diamond rock like a diva!

I guess, after her death, I was trying to channel her when I tried stepping up my feminine style game. It was a beautiful gift she left me. And one I am finally tailoring to suit me as I now am, but in her spirit. I would say now-a-days, the style I aim for is feminine, elegant, sporty at times, comfortable and creative. Sometimes sexy/sensual but not in overt, over-the-top ways like high heels, tons of makeup and tight, provocative minimal coverage clothes. I want to present flair with fabric choices, colors, style and hints of sensuality at times. Comfort is now a big consideration, especially since my mobility has become compromised with my rheumatoid arthritis. It is still evolving. (For example, this is my 2023 Halloween Cat Woman outfit.) But one thing I know for sure, some things do not suit me anymore. And I am letting them go from my wardrobe. No more saving them for a never coming occasion where I will need/want to present in that old way.

So, thanks to the helpful Breast Cancer Foundation donation service, I can release these items for re-use. First among them was clothing that are too small for my body. Or that are a style I no longer care to wear. Next are the high heels and other uncomfortable shoes. It is creating space and feels liberating. I am more intentional when acquiring  fashion items these days. I want to love my pieces. I am also overhauling my cosmetics drawers. Having sold cosmetics over a decade, I have lots of makeup. Most of it expired. I am loving the bare palette this creates in my life to redesign myself! 

Ouch

 

I have an appointment with my pain doctor this morning. After that, I have my infusion therapy. Ever since the awareness of opioid addiction swept the medical field, it has been very difficult to get pain medications for non addicts experiencing real pain. Ugh! The refrain I hear from my rheumatologist and other doctors is "I am not a pain doctor. See a pain doctor" whenever I ask for pain medication. Even for Tylenol with codeine. Even in the emergency room upon discharge. You go from dilaudid and morphine in the hospital to, if you are lucky, six tramadol upon discharge. When the condition has not been resolved!

I have severe pain in so many joints and throughout my GI tract (RA can affect organ systems too) that I have difficulty walking, holding a mug of coffee in morning, sleeping, eating and just being able to work a half day or shop for groceries. Not to even mention laundry or cleaning. Constant pain is awful and leads to depression and hopelessness. It is very isolating because you cannot participate in life with others. I cannot work now. 

My latest new pain came with a right shoulder rotator cuff tear from lifting a full carton of almond milk from my top shelf in refrigerator. YES!! I tore my rotator from lifting a carton of milk. RA is wreaking havoc on my shoulders and the whole joints are affected and predisposed to rotator cuff injury. Now, I cannot lift or use my right arm. Cannot carry any weight while lifting arm outward and do not have full range of motion. My insurance denied the necessary treatment.  So I am just left with a gimpy arm. My other shoulder had three partial rotator cuff tears and and I had to shell out-of-pocket $1200 for two PRP injections (which greatly helped) and had cortisone. It still hurts but is way better. Now my right shoulder. But no pain medication. Just heat and cold, rest and Tylenol. It throbs with stabbing pain all day. My fingers are numb. This new pain is added to my  daily pain in spine, neck, knee, hands. So I am eager to see my pain doctor today. 

Dr K, my pain guy, specializes in spines. I have gotten relief from terrible cervical nerve pain with two epidurals and we will address lower back nerve pain upon insurance authorization. Since I had to be taken off my DMARD methotrexate due to risk of intestinal perforation (I was SO sick for 6 weeks) , my RA flares have fully blossomed. I am now starting on biologic Enbrel. But the affordability of that medicine is a problem. With assistance and insurance, my co-pay is over $1800 a month for four injections! See separate posts about US laws that let pharmaceuticals patent life saving medications, resulting in diabetics and other illness patients not able to afford their life saving medication!!

When I see my pain doctor, I have to be drug tested each visit to ensure I am not overusing or doing drug no-nos. You are treated like an addict. The medical mantra is that pain management does not take away all your pain but rather the aim is to "help". They do not even aim to take it away. They will not prescribe potent painkillers ongoing. Each month I try to get  12-21 Tylenol with codeine. It is not enough at all but I dole them out with care and try to make it last for that month. It is like squeezing blood from a rock, lol. Frankly, I am at the point in my life that I do not even care if I become a functional pain med addict as long as I can resume some basic life activities. Really. But no, they won't let you. So, I am off to see Dr K and do our dance. I appreciate him and need him. 

I hate posting downers and complaining posts. But I need support and want to hear from or reach other chronic pain sufferers and our/my supporters. I know that most people are ignorant about chronic illnesses and RA in particular and we are invisible sufferers. So much change needs to happen for healthcare accessibility. Capitalist profits-over-people business model has hijacked the insurance, pharmaceutical and hospital systems. Good doctors cannot provide the care they know their patients need. 

I publicize my predicament to put a face to this political travesty. It is not a sexy issue like war and climate change, but it affects such a huge swath of people across the country and we are literally dying from greed. I urge activists to take on healthcare accessibility issues and I urge friends and loved ones to not turn a blind eye to the needs and predicament of their friends and comrades.

Dreamtime animals

I am blessed with the gift of dreams. I dream long, colorful, interesting stories. While most dreams are just regular dreams; some are very powerful and seem to be actual visions and messages. The characters are more significant and the message or story depicted more profound and meaningful. Even the colors are amplified and magic is afoot. Common themes are dreams with significant people, mainly family, and dreams with animals, often set in far away or long ago places. 

Let me tell you about my dream animals. As a child, I often dreamed, drew pictures of and imagined adventures of my young self living in the Amazon jungle. I carried a spear and had a raccoon by my heels. We were both scrappy and looked for ruins and adventures. I am sure my Peruvian family and relatives made the Amazon a real fantasy adventure land for me. I remember my grandfather calling me "princesa Inca" (Incan princess).  This fueled my fantasy of jungle and Andean adventures. I still dream about jungles and wild places. And I still have a soft spot for raccoons and like to photograph them and feed them in parks. They represent a fiesty side that is not afraid of anything. Of course, I have a soft raccoon puppet.

Another animal that has visited my dreams all my life is the bear. Big brown bears coming at me, frightening me, but not killing me. I am always alone in remote wilderness and surrounded by bear (s) who decide to play roughly with me, pawing me and rolling me around with their strong paws. I play dead or go limp and wait out their play-time with me. They are ferocious and large but I always escape by being passive and quiet. I smell them, feel their fur and hear them but stay still. They eventually move on.

The most significant appearance of an animal came in a visionary dream that seemed to take place in a deep jungle. I came upon a ferocious looking, huge,  long white snake with an eloquent, decorated,  tribal looking woman. She imparts wisdom to me and in the end, the white snake leaves her side and becomes my companion and protector.  This animal came so strongly that I got a glass snake to keep near me. I could not find a white snake.

This past year, I had another visionary dream with my mother, who has passed on. In the dream, I am on a quest/job she sends me on  and out of the thick bushes/trees in her backyard spring out four animals. All powerful and dangerous animals; and I have to be careful to avoid or make a truce with each one, all while completing the task my mother sent me on.

The first to jump out or rather pounce forward is a black panther. She is followed by an alligator. Then my old friend the big brown bear and lastly an elephant. 

The dream had such an impact on me that I want to bring forth those animals in my everyday life. I am eying a cellphone case with a black panther, a pair of gloves with a cute elephant image on them and I am making art with bear imagery. I have not decided how to bring the alligator into my life. Maybe living so close to the Everglades is enough. I actually took the picture of this one here. 

I welcome feedback on meanings or messages you think these animals may be imparting to me. Or ways you work with animals in your waking and dream life.