Presents are fun; but acceptance of your the present existence is the real gift.

I've been absent a little bit. I miss writing; but I have had physically and mentally taxing difficulties to deal with. My autoimmune challenges keep progressing. I am still keeping hope alive that Enbrel and hydroxychloroquin will start to at least arrest the progression. It takes 2-3 months to feel effects of the biologic injections and I keep having to stop the injections because of poor health so I have only gotten to 6 weeks. But I resume next week.

My hand, elbow and shoulder joints are bad and are limited in how I can use them and very painful. Constant pain makes me sad and cranky!

Also my low immunity causes me to get infectious things easier. I got the shingles vaccine couple weeks ago and whoa. I got such a bad immunologic reaction, I was scared. 102 fever, vomiting, acute painful swelling (baseball size) of lymph nodes in my armpit that traveled up to jaw and cheeks and terrible pain to name the highlights. Two days are a blur. I am still coming out out of it and dealing with waning symptoms weeks later. So, from now on, I need to get medical clearance for vaccines. But at same time, medical practitioners advise I  get all vaccines because I am at high risk for infectious illnesses and cannot fight them well. Catch 22.

The other taxing issue is the sobering reality of my living situation. I am (at this point, and I hope it improves) needing some assistance with some daily activities. I need to hire some help and am looking at once a week. I'll save my tasks for that time but it is hard because some needs are small and ongoing, like opening jars, bottles, carrying laundry, taking out garbage, reaching for things high up, vacuming, bringing in groceries...  I am now having to think long term about my living arrangements and my possible need for increasing assistance. That is a hard pill to swallow. I am now applying for Medicaid so that I can get help paying for in home assistance and possible other increased help down the line. VERY  much bureaucratic process and hard to get accepted.

But what I am having hardest time with is my tendency of longing for the past. I long for my past healthier body. From vain aspects to accessibility aspects to painfree aspects. I am sad and have episodes of "why me?" I am envious of others my age that seem to have better health and abilities. 

Luckily, I am wise enough to know that I need to reign in those ideas and feelings and ACCEPT the present situation and make the best of it. I need to see the world around me as I am just one speck in it. We all suffer, it is a hallmark of being alive. I am practicing being gracious, asking for help  and being clear eyed. I am cultivating contentedness. Letting go of all other stuff that does not serve me. It is tough but I am embracing it. I might fall but have to get back up and keep on trying.

So, it is Christmas Eve today and I have been enjoying my holiday preparations, activities and plans.

With assistance  for rolling out the dough, I made kitty shaped alfajor cookies, planned for a relaxed sweet gathering at my place tonight, champagne is chilled. Since my hair and nails have been destroyed by the medication I take, I even had fun donning press-on fancy nails! I chose an iridescent moon color and love them. I am enjoying my tree lights and handcrafted wrapped presents under my baby live tree. And I am content. 

So, I am enjoying my holiday and hope you are too. But let me leave you with an appeal. We can hold more than one reality in our hearts at the same time. And however we  work to bring contentment into our lives, we must see and act as world citizens and community. We are all connected. There are so many issues I hold dear and work for, but right now, the literal genocide in Palestine calls for worldwide aid and assistance. Please educate yourself on this ethnic cleansing of an entire people. Write, call officials and call for a permanent cease-fire. engage with the boycott and divestment movements towards Isreal. Being anti-Zionist is not anti-Jewish! All world citizens need to keep the resistance alive and in the news and be an ally in whatever way you can. Nothing is too small.