Evolving and letting go... fashion/styles edition

NOTE: I am using lots of gendered descriptions of what "feminine" means for me in this essay. I know that all women define what being a woman means for themselves. Some people born female, do not see themselves as "women" at all. That is not my experience and for this personal tale, I refer just to my experience. So, I am using wording that reflect my ideas of what femininity and woman-ness mean to me, a woman born in 1962. If my descriptions feel un-relatable or confusing, consider it a sociological relic from times past (but actually, not so conceptually antiquated for many women today).

I am going through a shedding, a lightening of my personal carry-ons in this life. I am a hoarder of sorts for fashion items: clothes, shoes, purses, makeup. Like all plus size women, I retain my smaller size clothes I once wore with hopes of fitting into them again. And like all femmes who played with high femme costumes at times, I hold on to those vestiges of a style past. 

I have had several styles throughout my life. Playful and curious girl, athletic child through my 20's, teen fox, college feminist, lesbian soft butch, leather grrl and later back to femme. In my forties, I experimented with occasional high femme costumes for select interactions. I played with high heels, fetishy clothes at times. I had returned to dating men after decades of lesbianism and played with occasional stereotypical vixen-like costumes and styles. I was like a little girl playing dress up. I guess I wanted to see what I had "missed" all those decades. I sometimes enjoyed the attention it got me, but generally felt uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. 

I also was influenced by "mi reina" (my queen), my mother, who died in my late 40's. My mother was a beautiful, high femme style icon in my world. She manifested herself as an elegant and yes, sexy woman all her life. The woman wore heels until close to her death in her 70's. She had a svelte figure that she encased in stylish dresses, accessories and when she "dressed up", watch out! She was a feminine beauty most women aspired to. I have such glittery memories of her stepping out with my dad, heavily perfumed, makeup, hair and nails impeccable, and clothed in awesome outfits that always included the highest of heels (her favorites: Charles Jourdan’s) She was sumptuous and classy in her outfits and impressive jewelry. Her Latin flair colored her aura and choices. And yes, she donned a mink and diamond rock like a diva!

I guess, after her death, I was trying to channel her when I tried stepping up my feminine style game. It was a beautiful gift she left me. And one I am finally tailoring to suit me as I now am, but in her spirit. I would say now-a-days, the style I aim for is feminine, elegant, sporty at times, comfortable and creative. Sometimes sexy/sensual but not in overt, over-the-top ways like high heels, tons of makeup and tight, provocative minimal coverage clothes. I want to present flair with fabric choices, colors, style and hints of sensuality at times. Comfort is now a big consideration, especially since my mobility has become compromised with my rheumatoid arthritis. It is still evolving. (For example, this is my 2023 Halloween Cat Woman outfit.) But one thing I know for sure, some things do not suit me anymore. And I am letting them go from my wardrobe. No more saving them for a never coming occasion where I will need/want to present in that old way.

So, thanks to the helpful Breast Cancer Foundation donation service, I can release these items for re-use. First among them was clothing that are too small for my body. Or that are a style I no longer care to wear. Next are the high heels and other uncomfortable shoes. It is creating space and feels liberating. I am more intentional when acquiring  fashion items these days. I want to love my pieces. I am also overhauling my cosmetics drawers. Having sold cosmetics over a decade, I have lots of makeup. Most of it expired. I am loving the bare palette this creates in my life to redesign myself! 

Beach body blues

I got invited to go to the beach for Labor Day. A certain Trini papi chulo (TPC) was inviting me to meet his crew and they had four boats to set out onto the waves. Drinks, sun, surf, possible flirts. I was flattered to be asked to meet his friends, and yes, I had just complained to him that summer was officially ending and I did not get into the ocean once this summer. It was a no brainer, right?

So, why was I hesitant? Firstly, I am not anywhere near as extroverted as TPC. I am loathe to spend a day with any group of people, especially as I knew not a one aside from TPC.  I was nervous meeting his friends. As I am 12 years older than him, I am sensitive to being the oldest one in his group. I worried about how I would fit in. 

And then there is the RA unwellness. My drug cocktail of methotrexate and hydroxychloroquin  makes me fatigued and often nauseous along with other GI distress. Also, my joint and muscle pain would be highly exacerbated walking on an uneven surface like sand. I worried that a full day at the beach would be hard on my body; and again, I did not want to seem unable to hang with everyone.

But the biggest fear I had was having to bare my beach body with an unknown crowd. TPC always looks tasty and trendy. But damn, I do not want to be with a guy that is the better looking of the two of us! Yes, I am that vain. Being older and larger makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. And my inner high school girl kept cringing and worrying that his friends would say "what does he see in her?" That's it. I said it. I am insecure because of my menopausal chubby RA body. 

TPC said to just throw on a cover up. Yeah, but that would have to come off at the ocean. And plus, I love the sun on my bare skin. I would choose a one piece. Safe and not that revealing. But my "panza" (belly) would be on full display. I have a lot of work to do on loving that part of my body. It is fluffy and scarred and I have the panza of my father's lineage. We have apple shapes. Even with  the emergence of plus size beauty awareness, apple shaped chubsters are still rarely visible. Usually, the plus size models have soft curves BUT with a small waist. 

This model is wearing a two piece that I own (but mine is ocean green). I only wear it when I am alone at the pool, beach or park. I like it because 1) it makes me seem like I have shimmery mermaid scales and 2) I can expose my belly by rolling the bottoms down. I like to sun my belly. Cute eh? I think so.

But I do not have an hourglass figure like woman above. I look more like this beauty ----->  

And that was unacceptable for me in a group.  Sad. I graciously passed on the invitation. I do know that I did not feel even 70% up for it physically but I am mainly disappointed that I caved on being ok with my authentic self. 

There will be other days to try again. In the meantime, when I have relative privacy, I lounge around the pool in my shimmery suit. Letting the sun's rays burn away my shame. Flashing my mermaid tail (with knee replacement scar) in gratitude.