Beach body blues

I got invited to go to the beach for Labor Day. A certain Trini papi chulo (TPC) was inviting me to meet his crew and they had four boats to set out onto the waves. Drinks, sun, surf, possible flirts. I was flattered to be asked to meet his friends, and yes, I had just complained to him that summer was officially ending and I did not get into the ocean once this summer. It was a no brainer, right?

So, why was I hesitant? Firstly, I am not anywhere near as extroverted as TPC. I am loathe to spend a day with any group of people, especially as I knew not a one aside from TPC.  I was nervous meeting his friends. As I am 12 years older than him, I am sensitive to being the oldest one in his group. I worried about how I would fit in. 

And then there is the RA unwellness. My drug cocktail of methotrexate and hydroxychloroquin  makes me fatigued and often nauseous along with other GI distress. Also, my joint and muscle pain would be highly exacerbated walking on an uneven surface like sand. I worried that a full day at the beach would be hard on my body; and again, I did not want to seem unable to hang with everyone.

But the biggest fear I had was having to bare my beach body with an unknown crowd. TPC always looks tasty and trendy. But damn, I do not want to be with a guy that is the better looking of the two of us! Yes, I am that vain. Being older and larger makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. And my inner high school girl kept cringing and worrying that his friends would say "what does he see in her?" That's it. I said it. I am insecure because of my menopausal chubby RA body. 

TPC said to just throw on a cover up. Yeah, but that would have to come off at the ocean. And plus, I love the sun on my bare skin. I would choose a one piece. Safe and not that revealing. But my "panza" (belly) would be on full display. I have a lot of work to do on loving that part of my body. It is fluffy and scarred and I have the panza of my father's lineage. We have apple shapes. Even with  the emergence of plus size beauty awareness, apple shaped chubsters are still rarely visible. Usually, the plus size models have soft curves BUT with a small waist. 

This model is wearing a two piece that I own (but mine is ocean green). I only wear it when I am alone at the pool, beach or park. I like it because 1) it makes me seem like I have shimmery mermaid scales and 2) I can expose my belly by rolling the bottoms down. I like to sun my belly. Cute eh? I think so.

But I do not have an hourglass figure like woman above. I look more like this beauty ----->  

And that was unacceptable for me in a group.  Sad. I graciously passed on the invitation. I do know that I did not feel even 70% up for it physically but I am mainly disappointed that I caved on being ok with my authentic self. 

There will be other days to try again. In the meantime, when I have relative privacy, I lounge around the pool in my shimmery suit. Letting the sun's rays burn away my shame. Flashing my mermaid tail (with knee replacement scar) in gratitude.