Chosen family

 

I grew up with strong family values. But, being the daughter of immigrant parents and sister, I grew up in the US only having my immediate family around me; the rest of my family lived in Peru. Subsequently, I was pretty isolated; I often felt I only had my parents and sisters to call mi familia. I visited Peru and relatives visited us in the US, so I knew that I was part of a much larger extended family. It is just that, unfortunately, I did not grow up with my extended family. Add to that situation the fact that my brown, Spanish speaking family were living in a deeply segregated US South in the 1960's and you can imagine that we only had each other to lean on in the midst of the racist realities of our lives. 

I felt like there was siege mentality in the neighborhoods I grew up in: violence, bigotry, isolation and danger. Our parents taught my sisters and I that we could not trust "Americanos" and that we could only trust familia. It worked to keep use safe.

But  as an adult, I craved a larger circle of family. And I developed friendships that were pivotal in my development. In college, I came into my own, and met some of my closest lifelong friends. And I learned that I could create a larger family by choice. I learned that while blood ties are serious ties to be respected and nurtured, sometimes friends come into your life and can then become a different type of family. The love of my parents and sisters is profound and huge but I will not be talking about them in this post. I want to talk about the friends in my life that I view as part of a chosen family. I have formed around me a small circle of people that I love, respect and cherish and with whom I see a future of always being in each others lives. 

I want to tell you about one such friend, DL, that I have known since 1985. We met when I was an activist in college. I was active in anti-Apartheid work to get our university to divest  from South African $.

That led me in to community organizing efforts around anti-racism efforts: Anti- KKK movement and Rainbow Coalition electoral politics. I met DL organizing for a Rainbow Coalition candidate running for Louisville Mayor in 1985. I identified as lesbian at the time and DL identified as bi. We worked along side each other for years. And in the late 80's I moved to San Francisco at the age of 25.

I have never returned to living FT in Louisville again, but I visited. And each time I visited, I would meet up with DL and it always seemed like we just picked up where we had last left off. In the last decade, DL and I, on Facebook, kept up more. And at the ripe ole age of 60, I spent a month in Louisville reconnecting with friends and DL and I forged a new commitment. 

Time had taken us both along circuitous routes.  I was lesbian for decades but at 40 years of age, I began dating men and came out as bi. DL has remained queer (which we both identify as now) but most of his adult relationships were with women. We both never married, never had children and still shared the same values. DL was facing retirement and wanting to jump start a new life and thinking of moving. The time was ripe for a connection and sparks flew the month I was visiting. We had always said we loved each other and we trusted each other. So a romance started brewing. We spent a lot of time together or on the phone/video chatting. We fell for each other romantically. And DL, decided he wanted to move to South Florida to start a new life with me close by. We were clear that we would not live together. I want my independence. 

But there was another reason for not cohabiting. At 60, I came out as polyamorous. I had come to realize that monogamy was not really for me; I have a deep distrust of monogamy and often felt suffocated in monogamous relationships. Plus, I just don't think the majority of people can do monogamy and I was not going to be anybody's fool. Better to be honest and caring and intentional with my affections. My flavor of poly is pretty tame. I choose to have a sexual relationship, maybe two. But I also include non sexual, non romantic relationships. DL is not poly but loved me enough to want to try to be with me anyway. He chose to be monogamous. 

Well, Lots of talking, visits back and forth and a couple health scares later, our love had deepened and we felt confident that we would be great sharing our lives together. But in practice, I /we came to see that while we are on the same page as far as loving  each other and wanting to create a sense of family between us, the romantic/sexual compatibility was not a great fit. Yes, it was painful to acknowledge but we were brave enough to talk about it openly and state our needs and wants. And you know what? The fact that we are not compatible as lovers did not affect our desire to be in each other's lives. We are still going to be there for each other, as life companions and friends.

So, tah dah! This week, DL moved to South Florida and I am so thrilled to have my friend close by. We are chosen family to each other. DL is choosing to remain single romantically for now. I will have a lover. I see him as my companion and Friend with a capital F. Here we were at the beach. Did I mention? He is white.

I do encourage people to bring in your close friends and create circles of community/family. This is especially important as we age and often end up isolated. Make your own rules. Love honestly, and ethically and don't fall for the societal myth that the only true love is romantic male/female monogamy.