We Won't Go Back

This a 12"X12" mixed media piece I just completed. The slogan  "We won't go back" has been adopted by outraged women everywhere taking a stand against the repression of women's bodily autonomy. Women's right to safe and accessible abortion is being outlawed across the country. We can't let it happen without a fight. We won't go back to the days of unsafe, illegal coat hanger abortions!

Women's choice over pregnancy and motherhood is a bedrock to women's equality in any society. Without it, she loses equitable standing in education and the work force. Without those, she becomes, at best, a second class citizen.

For me,  this makes an intersectional pro-choice movement one of the most important issues at this time. I know that is a bold statement and I do not say it lightly. I have thought long and hard about this. But when I think of all the many issues we need to be working on strategically, this issue cuts across class, race, religion, etc. If the outlawing of women's control over their bodies continues to be eradicated, our entire democracy will exponentially backslide.

As this piece evolved (I worked two days on an earlier version only to abandon it and restart), I saw anger coming into the piece. Anger that is righteous and fearsome. I welcomed it. I wanted an element of guerrilla grrl resistance. I chose ransom note type of font to imbue a sense of dread. The brick wall (un-coincidentally blue for boys) is no match for the woman breaking through it, amid blood red flames.

And if that is not enough (LOL), I repeat vaginal imagery thought the canvas. The woman emerging parallels a baby crowning somewhat. I wanted to evoke lightning with the yellow jagged line. And it was important to me that she gazed directly at the viewer. She is not passive. 

I feel good about this piece. While painting, I kept hearing my art school professors decrying the propagandist viewpoint as poster art, not "fine" art. But weren't Goya's paintings political? One good thing about being 62 is that I no longer internalize mandates that do not make sense to me about my art. 

Now, it is not necessary to have gotten all that from looking at this piece. If you are drawn to it for whatever reason, that makes me happy. If you like this artwork or the message or both, you can shop it in my Etsy store here.

Romantic hotel weekend - over 55 edition

I stayed in a hotel for a fun long weekend with a special guy (let's refer to him as TDH: tall dark and handsome). We have spent time together, but several days together is fairly new.  I once had a stay in a romantic bed and breakfast with my girlfriend in the 1990's; but I have not had any hotel romance since then. Lots has changed.

First and foremost, I have changed. Thirty years have passed and so has my athletic body. I was navigating what I wanted to be a sexy, romantic getaway, with a 62 year old body riddled with autoimmune pain and fatigue.

I cringed when TDH greeted me at my car when I arrived. Not because he did that - that was sweet. But I had to tell him to look for my car in handicapped parking spot. You see, even though I get together with TDH often, I choreograph my health status to appear most "normal" when on dates. But on a several day escape, I would not be able to do that ongoing.  I made a celebratory remark about finally getting my handicap placard, but inside, it felt like another blow to my sense of independence. I have work to do on that.

Also, while he knows about my RA issues and that I live in chronic pain and sometimes I use canes, he had not seen me using my cane. When I got out (after a couple hour drive), my back was extra hurting. So I stood with painful difficulty and was heavily relying on my cane. Another thing that I think may have surprised him was the slowness of my mobility getting out and getting going. This is something I experience with other friends. They do not realize that my mobility and hand dexterity is slowed down and so I am constantly have to ask for them to slow down. I am not sure, but I think this was surprising to him and my insecurity about being less able bodied yet still desirable was pricked. Again, I have work to do on that. The lovely in the image to the left has the style and look I aim for. I think I nailed it this weekend. 

Fatigue is an also a characteristic of RA. So general fatigue coupled with a pain pill and a beer caused me to fade early. During dinner, I told him I needed a 20 minute cat nap but would be up shortly to continue our evening. But he decided to lie down with me and when I was ready to get up after 20 minutes, he was down for the count. Poor guy. You see, he stays in hotels often for his job and invited me to stay with him since this stay was fairly local. He was working in the day and joining me for evenings. He told me to enjoy my days and go to the beach. But he was also tired. It was funny as neither of us jumped into an erotic thrill  as soon as we entered our suite. We were affectionate, but prioritized getting settled and a yummy meal. Then we konked out early, LOL. So much for the sensual massage with happy ending I planned. My hands were not up for that anyway. But, you know, it was real and it was intimate. The comfortability. The concern for one another. It was sweet, humorous and led us into a scaled back lusty intimacy. 

Some ways in which I made this escape nicer than that of my younger self is that I prepared better. Wiser woman! My 30-something self was not as tuned into my sexuality and gender identity; not by a long shot. As I have written before, I am embracing a sensuality that is vibrant, feminine (to my view) and tailored to my needs. I no longer am trying to be sexy through a societal lens that does not suit me. 

I wore a few new outfits that I really like. They are modern and tailored;  I get alterations on key pieces of my wardrobe. If you're a plus size girlie, I recommend Eloqui for some nice offerings. They are way better than the frumpy offerings of most plus size retailers, So fly clothes made me feel good. Special makeup and accessories completed my looks. He appreciated my going out of the way to make this a special experience. I also brought sex props for our enjoyment. Why be uncomfortable? 

But mainly, the biggest plus to going on a romantic escape now is that I know what I want and I plan ways to get it. This sounds simple but actually required many years of work. I grew up with ignorant, man-centered attitudes of sexuality. I was ignorant of my body and sexuality for the first several decades. Unlearning shame, healing traumas, discovering woman centered sexual pleasure and sex positivity has helped me finally be able to truly enjoy a thrilling mutually pleasuring romantic getaway. 

I highly recommend it!

Resistance in Bloom

I created this 12”X12”mixed media canvas inspired by the brave Palestinians living in horrific conditions while enduring a genocidal onslaught by Israel. I look at videos by people one the ground there and am heartbroken and enraged. One thing stands out to me within their misery; and that is the Palestinian people’s perseverance to still display their culture and joy for life. Amid ruins, you see them in groups dancing their Dabke and cheering each other in joyful expressions. Facing famine, Palestinian chefs, living in tents, are making videos of how they cook versions of Palestinian dishes with whatever food they can forage. Their determination to survive is expressed in everything they do. 

This art piece consists of collage, acrylic ink and paint, pencil and gelatos.

I went for a grungy background with muted keffiyeh designs floating on surface. I included two black bullet holes. I overlayed this with collaged brilliant flower petals, symbolizing the joy for life coming through. I scribbled messy black outlines over my flowers. 

Although I initially saw the piece being about the Palestine struggle; while creating it, I realized it also speaks to all people enduring battles and not just surviving but thriving. And for me, it really hit home regarding my struggle as an artist living with aggressive RA.

You see, I wanted to create floating flowers over the background that would really pop. So I cut each petal out of vibrant papers I had painted and printed.

But my hands were not cooperating. Due to my RA, my hands and fingers are very stiff, painful and I have lost dexterity. Cutting and gluing the flower petals was very difficult. Just holding paintbrushes and such  results in constant drops. It was maddening.

But I persevered. I took more breaks and it took longer than before. My art is my version of brilliant flowers floating over my private war zone. This piece also speaks to all people who choose to celebrate joy and spread love while dealing with their own struggles. If you like this piece, you can buy a print of it in my Etsy shop.

When I feel defeated as an artist by my body’s inability to move pain-free or with my loss of hand dexterity, I often draw inspiration from the life of renowned Impressionist painter Pierre-August Renoir (1841-1919).  Few people know that in the last several decades of his life, Renoir lived with debilitating rheumatoid arthritis. At a time when little could be done to treat the disease, Renoir, confined to a wheelchair, used his own ingenuity and positive thinking to devise and build contraptions that would hold the paintbrush to his crippled hands. 

Over 200 of his beloved impressionist paintings created during these years hang in museums around the world. He is one of my heroes.

"I see you"

The other day I went to my local medical marijuana dispensary to refill my prescribed gummies and cream. I take a half of an Indica gummy at bedtime and the cream is for joint pain. I also have a 1:1 tincture I can use to combat inflammation and general feeling of malaise. 

I have been struggling with a bad RA flare due to the body trauma my shoulder injury and surgery caused. So I am moving very slowly on my cane, in pain. I had already put the items I wanted in my cart online and just had to check-out. The young man that attended me at check-out was a handsome Brit. He was very friendly and we chatted easily. 

In hindsight, I see we were vibing. At one point he paused and looked me straight in the eye and with a playful drawl said "I see you Deborah" and he winked at me. Then he continued "I see your beautiful watermelon earrings". I figured he knew that watermelon is a solidarity symbol for Palestinian liberation. So I raised a fist and mouthed "yes!". But it did not seem to register with him.

Cutie-pie then playfully continued with " I see you Deb,  I see those colorful frames you have. I SEE you, Deborah ." A big smile and another wink.

I realized he was not noticing my earrings for Palestine but rather as cute colorful earrings.  And he liked my stylish colorful frames. Was he flirting with me? Nah, I thought. He must be an artist that is acknowledging another creative soul. Hmmm. He continued to check me out and talking playfully with me about discounts he was giving me. Big smiles.  OK. Yep, he was flirting with me.

I have always been good at picking up flirtatious energy but in the past couple years, as I have become more physically challenged with my autoimmune disease, I have not felt that attractive. So I was surprised. I looked more closely at him. He was young. Hard to tell how young. Black don't crack so his skin looked as smooth as a twenty something. But I think he was in his thirties. Wow.

I was pleasantly surprised and finally returned a big smile and nodded. But I was too late as someone behind me in line was asking for help. So he looked at me, and said "goodbye, come again soon." Missed opportunity on my part. I was flattered and amused. But surely, I thought, “I do not want a thirty something cutie-pie”. Or would I?

At dispensaries, if you need to use their restrooms, you have to leave your purchases at the counter with a sales associate. I said I wanted to use theirs so he said he would keep my bag. Suddenly I realized, damn! he is going to see me walking to back of the store with my cane. He had not seen me approaching the counter so he did not know I came in with a cane. I became very ashamed and self conscious of using a cane. I felt it would undo all the fun energy we were experiencing. 

So I dawdled and kept loitering at the counter until he went back to his customer. Then I bee-lined it to the bathroom sans cane. And wouldn't you know it, but another sales associate spoke out loudly “Ma'am, you forgot your cane." for all the counter to hear, including cutie-pie!

I was mortified. I walked back slowly and took my cane. I looked at cutie-pie and we both smiled. When I left he was deep in consultation with another customer. I left using my cane. In the car I felt so mad about having to use a cane and my diminished ability these days. I was going into a self hate spiral. But I was able to break free from that thinking. I reassured myself that I will get better (hopefully), things are just hard at this time. I know that I have to make friends with my body and her abilities. I need to embrace with gratitude my mobility aides and adaptive devices. Love myself as a vibrant and creative soul. 

My wounded self image reminded me of a drawing I once did in a figure drawing class. One day a young model and I spoke before class. I thanked her for modeling. She said she liked the money but she was also modeling nude because she likes to see her body interpreted by the art students in the class. Indeed, models usually come around at break and look at your drawing and may comment. 

She explained to me that she had deep body shame struggles and had been recovering from that for a while. I saw a beautiful woman, voluptuous. But she struggled to find herself beautiful. 

This is the drawing I made in class.  Usually drawing class exercises do not produce finished works or works you prize. It is practice. I like it because  think I captured her beautiful curves but also her self consciousness. It reminds me to love my own body.  And to be kind to myself regarding body image.

I am going to look for my old drawing pad with this exercise. I want to put it someplace that reminds me that body acceptance is all in your head and heart and not really in your body at all.

This recollection helped me me appreciate the fun flirtation I had and to say 'yeah, he saw me and he liked me!"  And accept myself worthy of that appreciation, just as I am.

My above mixed media whimsical painting depicts a soulful face that radiates renewable energy, vibration. The body is not so important. But it can carry light.

 

Exercising when your body is not cooperating

I have wanted to write a series of posts about exercising with rheumatoid arthritis. I envisioned one post dealing with the early years of RA, before I was even diagnosed but had symptoms. Another when I was still able to be somewhat active and was able to work part time. And the last for where I am today. But the past several months have been physically difficult and I have not felt up to writing as much. A traumatic shoulder injury which ended up with a big shoulder surgery in March has caused my body to be in a terrible flare for an extended period of time. So, as most of you with chronic illness know, my best laid plans had to be modified. I will just write about where I am today for now.

I am now finishing a course of steroids and am out of my shoulder sling and starting PT. Even though I am still struggling with this flare,  I feel able to resume some of my normal activities. What I am describing in this post is exercise suited to those that need very gentle, low impact, stretching and toning. 

If you are starting your own personalized exercise program and you have physical limitations such as described here, one word of caution: be careful with whom you share your research, plans and finds. I found out the hard way that despite best intentions, able bodied loved ones are often not able to support you in the best ways possible. Without education about your illness and an intimate knowledge of your current abilities, they will likely suggest things that are not helpful. They may want to exercise with you or give you feedback when they try out your exercises and props. This can often result with you comparing yourself to their abilities, which is demoralizing. Your best advice and support will come from others with similar issues and people trained to work with us. 

The above photo shows most of my current go-to props I use to help me stretch and move. My RA flares hit my spine hard. Upon sitting up, standing and walking, I feel like I have an ice pick thrust up the center of my spine. My knee, both shoulders and neck are very painful. And my hands have become compromised with severe carpal tunnel (due to the acute inflammation in my wrist and hands). Total numbness in thumbs and pointer finger. Pain and tingling. And the fatigue.

So, exercise for me during this time is very gentle. It focuses on flexibility, gentle movement and if it is a good day, mild activity. My yoga mat with knee pad to kneel on while getting up are essential. That pink indulating ring is a transfer aide. Especially because I cannot push up with my post-op right arm; I often need help getting up. This device makes it easier for my friend and myself to get me up onto two feet. Way better than him trying to use his hands or trying to lift me from behind. By the way, can you tell I love purple? I love all colors (except not so much black), but purple resonates with my creative spirit.

I cannot recommend enough “restorative yoga” for people needing gentle stretching.

It focuses on breathing and holding non-painful stretches with the aide of props. It not only helps me move easier, but it is also a great stress reliever. I use the big blue body bolster for poses that invert my legs, open my back and allow a soft yet firm surface to rest parts of my body. The firm rectangular brick is versatile as well. I use it to help in moves that tone muscles (i.e. holding between knees) and to elevate parts of my body. My latest favorite thing is my Pilates ring. It came with a set of cards that detail different exercises. They are geared to my basic level. The hand grips can be used for resistance, pulling, holding parts of your body in place (i.e. ankles, knees). 

It took me a while to assemble these favorite aides. I googled short appropriate exercises on YouTube and I asked and learned from my physical therapist. I  heavily borrow from Silver Sneakers for seniors; they provide a wealth of online any-length videos for all types of exercises.  I perused yoga videos for my poses and I asked others with RA about their own exercise recommendations. I bought some  PT devices that I can now use at home. For example, Amazon and TEMU have cheap pulleys to put over your door for passive range of motion. 

Have fun in your approach. For me, I wanted colorful props. I wanted easy cards and videos to guide me. Relaxing music, and even fun stamps and stickers to reward myself. (Yes, I did use to  be a kindergarten teacher.) I have a Facebook RA group that I share my finds and accomplishments with. And now I have FlareFamily.com to interact with others with autoimmune illnesses. Have fun with it. Practice acceptance of your body and her abilities. I do find that one very hard. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy. 

I welcome any ideas and sharing on this topic. Get moving!

I painted this Warrior pose.  9"X12", acrylic. 

Visual representation

I live in an ungated suburb. But I do have a sucky homeowner association that enforces classist, conformist regulations. And the development seems to be more right of center as witnessed by my Obama for President and other progressive candidate signs repeatedly cut up and taken down. But I am not deterred.

I recently decided to put out a cute cloth yard flag. I figured by moving  the flag closer to my home rather than close to the sidewalk (as my other signs were), it would deter people who were too lazy to get out of their car and walk onto my property. This flag has waved safely for over a month.

Win one for the left! Now I am emboldened to try a couple more designs so I can rotate them. I am choosing a Free Palestine flag and  a pro choice flag. 

I will keep you all updated if any suspicious activity occurs! Keeping my fingers crossed.

Sex and disabilities

UPDATE: I recently became a contributing writer to Flarefamily.com. It is a website that caters to those living with autoimmune illnesses and their loved ones. A slightly revamped version of this Sex and Disabilities post is featured on her blog roll for April 25, 2024.

I was recently talking to a loved one and was surprised by their sincere curiosity about my sexuality. This loved one knows how difficult my life has been with my physical challenges. I live with chronic pain and sometimes can't even walk without assistance. My hands are very painful and numb. I am often debilitated by fatigue and fever and have to battle constant sicknesses because I have a compromised immune system. To her amazement, even dealing with all that, I have a lover and enjoy a sensual and sexual life. 

It is very important to me to stay sexually vibrant as I age, and even if I become more physically challenged. The way I have done that was to change my approach to my sexuality.

I am sexually active but not like I was 20 years ago, 30 years ago or younger. Partly because I'm wiser with age and I know sex is much more than the sex act itself. The most important sex organ is between your ears. 

My sex life is not as spontaneous as it once was because I have to prepare ahead of time. I have to make sure I am rested enough. I take pain medication before meeting so that I can move more easily. That is a must have. I like being seen at my best. 

But sometimes I'm really too tired and in pain to do much. So we might lie naked with each other just stroking, talking, being silly, giggling. And I am never too tired or in pain to kiss and whisper sexy stories or secrets.  I can touch and stimulate in a variety of ways that do not hurt me. These sensual encounters are so soothing and comforting to me and my lover. (It is not only me that sometimes need special considerations. My partner might also be too tired or dealing with body parts that aren't working cooperatively.) We always find ways to be sexual that don't rely on athletic performance0 It takes a creative mind and a cheerful playfulness. I have found enjoyment in so many more subtle ways and when I feel good on my medication, I can go back to my regular sexual antics!

The image to the left is a scene from Meet the Fockers, where Barbra Streisand's character is a sex therapist and she leads a workshop for older people wanting to improve their sex lives. She shamelessly addresses their physical limitations and attitudes. She teaches them to be playful when employing props and to be sensual in their mindset. I love this. I have props and love sensuality. I no longer wear high heels and tight sexy clothes to go out to clubs but rather I have a soft sensuality that I like to reflect with make up, soft skin, soft materials and atmosphere. The biggest sexual confidence booster is to feel sexy myself. 

This cute meme was made by my friend DL in support of me contemplating this post. I was complaining that in all my research on disability and sexuality, there was not much about people with rheumatoid arthritis and sexuality. So cute!

Everyone in their lifetime will experience physical disability in some form. It will be up to you as to whether it's sidelines your sexuality. Aging women are sexually invisible in our culture and disabled people are seen as asexual. Don't buy that crap!