"I see you"

The other day I went to my local medical marijuana dispensary to refill my prescribed gummies and cream. I take a half of an Indica gummy at bedtime and the cream is for joint pain. I also have a 1:1 tincture I can use to combat inflammation and general feeling of malaise. 

I have been struggling with a bad RA flare due to the body trauma my shoulder injury and surgery caused. So I am moving very slowly on my cane, in pain. I had already put the items I wanted in my cart online and just had to check-out. The young man that attended me at check-out was a handsome Brit. He was very friendly and we chatted easily. 

In hindsight, I see we were vibing. At one point he paused and looked me straight in the eye and with a playful drawl said "I see you Deborah" and he winked at me. Then he continued "I see your beautiful watermelon earrings". I figured he knew that watermelon is a solidarity symbol for Palestinian liberation. So I raised a fist and mouthed "yes!". But it did not seem to register with him.

Cutie-pie then playfully continued with " I see you Deb,  I see those colorful frames you have. I SEE you, Deborah ." A big smile and another wink.

I realized he was not noticing my earrings for Palestine but rather as cute colorful earrings.  And he liked my stylish colorful frames. Was he flirting with me? Nah, I thought. He must be an artist that is acknowledging another creative soul. Hmmm. He continued to check me out and talking playfully with me about discounts he was giving me. Big smiles.  OK. Yep, he was flirting with me.

I have always been good at picking up flirtatious energy but in the past couple years, as I have become more physically challenged with my autoimmune disease, I have not felt that attractive. So I was surprised. I looked more closely at him. He was young. Hard to tell how young. Black don't crack so his skin looked as smooth as a twenty something. But I think he was in his thirties. Wow.

I was pleasantly surprised and finally returned a big smile and nodded. But I was too late as someone behind me in line was asking for help. So he looked at me, and said "goodbye, come again soon." Missed opportunity on my part. I was flattered and amused. But surely, I thought, “I do not want a thirty something cutie-pie”. Or would I?

At dispensaries, if you need to use their restrooms, you have to leave your purchases at the counter with a sales associate. I said I wanted to use theirs so he said he would keep my bag. Suddenly I realized, damn! he is going to see me walking to back of the store with my cane. He had not seen me approaching the counter so he did not know I came in with a cane. I became very ashamed and self conscious of using a cane. I felt it would undo all the fun energy we were experiencing. 

So I dawdled and kept loitering at the counter until he went back to his customer. Then I bee-lined it to the bathroom sans cane. And wouldn't you know it, but another sales associate spoke out loudly “Ma'am, you forgot your cane." for all the counter to hear, including cutie-pie!

I was mortified. I walked back slowly and took my cane. I looked at cutie-pie and we both smiled. When I left he was deep in consultation with another customer. I left using my cane. In the car I felt so mad about having to use a cane and my diminished ability these days. I was going into a self hate spiral. But I was able to break free from that thinking. I reassured myself that I will get better (hopefully), things are just hard at this time. I know that I have to make friends with my body and her abilities. I need to embrace with gratitude my mobility aides and adaptive devices. Love myself as a vibrant and creative soul. 

My wounded self image reminded me of a drawing I once did in a figure drawing class. One day a young model and I spoke before class. I thanked her for modeling. She said she liked the money but she was also modeling nude because she likes to see her body interpreted by the art students in the class. Indeed, models usually come around at break and look at your drawing and may comment. 

She explained to me that she had deep body shame struggles and had been recovering from that for a while. I saw a beautiful woman, voluptuous. But she struggled to find herself beautiful. 

This is the drawing I made in class.  Usually drawing class exercises do not produce finished works or works you prize. It is practice. I like it because  think I captured her beautiful curves but also her self consciousness. It reminds me to love my own body.  And to be kind to myself regarding body image.

I am going to look for my old drawing pad with this exercise. I want to put it someplace that reminds me that body acceptance is all in your head and heart and not really in your body at all.

This recollection helped me me appreciate the fun flirtation I had and to say 'yeah, he saw me and he liked me!"  And accept myself worthy of that appreciation, just as I am.

My above mixed media whimsical painting depicts a soulful face that radiates renewable energy, vibration. The body is not so important. But it can carry light.