Keep your mind and spirit strong

This was a hard week physically: RA pain all over and intestinal issues. RA is an inflammatory autoimmune illness that primarily affects joints but also it affects your organ systems. Aside from deteriorated joints, my RA has manifested in inflammatory bowel disease. I have perforated my intestines several times, many hospitals stays and had two colon resections. So when I get a diverticulitis flare, I am scared. I am back on oral antibiotics for this diverticulitis attack but doctor said I may need to be hospitalized for IV antibiotic treatment (which I have had to do several times). Keeping my fingers crossed.

I am struggling with feeling sorry for myself. I have to stop my methotrexate while I heal but that just means more pain etc. Also, I am a vain grrl; so I hate that my hands/wrist are showing RA nodules and swollen joints. My hands are so pained and stiff in the morning, it is hard to carry a mug of coffee or write until they are warmed up. Then, they just ache and hurt the rest of the day. Hard to hold cell phone for more than a minute. The RA in my spine has me now getting epidurals for pain management and I have gotten cortisone injections in both hands, shoulders and knee. And PRP in my shoulders and knees. All these interventions hurt! But they give me some relief, however fleeting. I try to remain hopeful for  remission someday. But hard to stay positive when I have several health things hitting at once.

BUT,  then I remember how the fabulous Frida Kahlo continued painting and creating while bed ridden with severe pain and illness. And I think of Pierre-Auguste Renoir, French impressionist, who painted 400 canvases after he was diagnosed with RA. He became wheelchair bound and designed and developed a device that he attached to his hands just so that he could hold a paintbrush.

So, toughen up buttercup. And think positively. I remind myself to reframe my experiences and keep hope alive. And I remind myself to be grateful for all the blessing I do have. That's it, all I have to say on the matter. Thanks for listening.

Chosen family

 

I grew up with strong family values. But, being the daughter of immigrant parents and sister, I grew up in the US only having my immediate family around me; the rest of my family lived in Peru. Subsequently, I was pretty isolated; I often felt I only had my parents and sisters to call mi familia. I visited Peru and relatives visited us in the US, so I knew that I was part of a much larger extended family. It is just that, unfortunately, I did not grow up with my extended family. Add to that situation the fact that my brown, Spanish speaking family were living in a deeply segregated US South in the 1960's and you can imagine that we only had each other to lean on in the midst of the racist realities of our lives. 

I felt like there was siege mentality in the neighborhoods I grew up in: violence, bigotry, isolation and danger. Our parents taught my sisters and I that we could not trust "Americanos" and that we could only trust familia. It worked to keep use safe.

But  as an adult, I craved a larger circle of family. And I developed friendships that were pivotal in my development. In college, I came into my own, and met some of my closest lifelong friends. And I learned that I could create a larger family by choice. I learned that while blood ties are serious ties to be respected and nurtured, sometimes friends come into your life and can then become a different type of family. The love of my parents and sisters is profound and huge but I will not be talking about them in this post. I want to talk about the friends in my life that I view as part of a chosen family. I have formed around me a small circle of people that I love, respect and cherish and with whom I see a future of always being in each others lives. 

I want to tell you about one such friend, DL, that I have known since 1985. We met when I was an activist in college. I was active in anti-Apartheid work to get our university to divest  from South African $.

That led me in to community organizing efforts around anti-racism efforts: Anti- KKK movement and Rainbow Coalition electoral politics. I met DL organizing for a Rainbow Coalition candidate running for Louisville Mayor in 1985. I identified as lesbian at the time and DL identified as bi. We worked along side each other for years. And in the late 80's I moved to San Francisco at the age of 25.

I have never returned to living FT in Louisville again, but I visited. And each time I visited, I would meet up with DL and it always seemed like we just picked up where we had last left off. In the last decade, DL and I, on Facebook, kept up more. And at the ripe ole age of 60, I spent a month in Louisville reconnecting with friends and DL and I forged a new commitment. 

Time had taken us both along circuitous routes.  I was lesbian for decades but at 40 years of age, I began dating men and came out as bi. DL has remained queer (which we both identify as now) but most of his adult relationships were with women. We both never married, never had children and still shared the same values. DL was facing retirement and wanting to jump start a new life and thinking of moving. The time was ripe for a connection and sparks flew the month I was visiting. We had always said we loved each other and we trusted each other. So a romance started brewing. We spent a lot of time together or on the phone/video chatting. We fell for each other romantically. And DL, decided he wanted to move to South Florida to start a new life with me close by. We were clear that we would not live together. I want my independence. 

But there was another reason for not cohabiting. At 60, I came out as polyamorous. I had come to realize that monogamy was not really for me; I have a deep distrust of monogamy and often felt suffocated in monogamous relationships. Plus, I just don't think the majority of people can do monogamy and I was not going to be anybody's fool. Better to be honest and caring and intentional with my affections. My flavor of poly is pretty tame. I choose to have a sexual relationship, maybe two. But I also include non sexual, non romantic relationships. DL is not poly but loved me enough to want to try to be with me anyway. He chose to be monogamous. 

Well, Lots of talking, visits back and forth and a couple health scares later, our love had deepened and we felt confident that we would be great sharing our lives together. But in practice, I /we came to see that while we are on the same page as far as loving  each other and wanting to create a sense of family between us, the romantic/sexual compatibility was not a great fit. Yes, it was painful to acknowledge but we were brave enough to talk about it openly and state our needs and wants. And you know what? The fact that we are not compatible as lovers did not affect our desire to be in each other's lives. We are still going to be there for each other, as life companions and friends.

So, tah dah! This week, DL moved to South Florida and I am so thrilled to have my friend close by. We are chosen family to each other. DL is choosing to remain single romantically for now. I will have a lover. I see him as my companion and Friend with a capital F. Here we were at the beach. Did I mention? He is white.

I do encourage people to bring in your close friends and create circles of community/family. This is especially important as we age and often end up isolated. Make your own rules. Love honestly, and ethically and don't fall for the societal myth that the only true love is romantic male/female monogamy. 

Beach body blues

I got invited to go to the beach for Labor Day. A certain Trini papi chulo (TPC) was inviting me to meet his crew and they had four boats to set out onto the waves. Drinks, sun, surf, possible flirts. I was flattered to be asked to meet his friends, and yes, I had just complained to him that summer was officially ending and I did not get into the ocean once this summer. It was a no brainer, right?

So, why was I hesitant? Firstly, I am not anywhere near as extroverted as TPC. I am loathe to spend a day with any group of people, especially as I knew not a one aside from TPC.  I was nervous meeting his friends. As I am 12 years older than him, I am sensitive to being the oldest one in his group. I worried about how I would fit in. 

And then there is the RA unwellness. My drug cocktail of methotrexate and hydroxychloroquin  makes me fatigued and often nauseous along with other GI distress. Also, my joint and muscle pain would be highly exacerbated walking on an uneven surface like sand. I worried that a full day at the beach would be hard on my body; and again, I did not want to seem unable to hang with everyone.

But the biggest fear I had was having to bare my beach body with an unknown crowd. TPC always looks tasty and trendy. But damn, I do not want to be with a guy that is the better looking of the two of us! Yes, I am that vain. Being older and larger makes me feel unfeminine and unattractive. And my inner high school girl kept cringing and worrying that his friends would say "what does he see in her?" That's it. I said it. I am insecure because of my menopausal chubby RA body. 

TPC said to just throw on a cover up. Yeah, but that would have to come off at the ocean. And plus, I love the sun on my bare skin. I would choose a one piece. Safe and not that revealing. But my "panza" (belly) would be on full display. I have a lot of work to do on loving that part of my body. It is fluffy and scarred and I have the panza of my father's lineage. We have apple shapes. Even with  the emergence of plus size beauty awareness, apple shaped chubsters are still rarely visible. Usually, the plus size models have soft curves BUT with a small waist. 

This model is wearing a two piece that I own (but mine is ocean green). I only wear it when I am alone at the pool, beach or park. I like it because 1) it makes me seem like I have shimmery mermaid scales and 2) I can expose my belly by rolling the bottoms down. I like to sun my belly. Cute eh? I think so.

But I do not have an hourglass figure like woman above. I look more like this beauty ----->  

And that was unacceptable for me in a group.  Sad. I graciously passed on the invitation. I do know that I did not feel even 70% up for it physically but I am mainly disappointed that I caved on being ok with my authentic self. 

There will be other days to try again. In the meantime, when I have relative privacy, I lounge around the pool in my shimmery suit. Letting the sun's rays burn away my shame. Flashing my mermaid tail (with knee replacement scar) in gratitude.

Art Journal 2 The artist within

 

My art circle did our second art journal page. We dedicated it to getting acquainted with our inner artist. 

Our facilitator, Salina, led us in a guided visualization where we joined a community of artists around a campfire. One artist emerges and comes to us. She symbolized our source and inspiration. I chose as my artist a woman named Sue Ellen Parkinson and her painting of Eve as a grandmother called "Guided by Stars". (on left of page). Eve is mature, wise and experienced. She ain't afraid  of no snake! Actually, the symbol of a large white snake is a personal totem for me. It brings the wisdom of my ancestors. She is pictured eating an apple, emanating sensuality, creativity, inspiration. 

Then we came back from this visualization and began  exploring where we are today as an artist. The image I chose to represent me now is a mask painting of Persephone by Lauren Raine.  I love mythologies and her story is a great allegory. Persephone rises from the netherworld having survived all the trials of this journey (my 61 years of living). She springs forth bearing gifts for the world. 

The paint brushes show my preferred choice of art medium and the Van Gogh Chica refers to this blog, which is a vehicle for creative writing  and expression. The World tarot card  positions me as having completed a long journey with peace and harmony to share.

97 and lingerie

This post is dedicated to my girlfriend, C, who I miss so, so much.  In the early 2000's, I sold cosmetics full-time at Macy's. I spent a decade with Clinique, Estee Lauder and such. I had two great gal pals on the floor, one with me at Clinique and one across the aisle at Lancome. C was my partner in crime at the upscale Lancome. She is beautiful plus has a French accent so she was perfect for selling their expensive line. We were known to get into mischief and our shennigans were not just relegated to the workplace. I loved hanging out in her dark, cool apartment that we called her mausoleum or cave. C was going through treatment for a serious illness so she was a trooper just making it to work everyday, a feat not appreciated by the corporate powers at Macy's. But she still managed to be fun, loving and adventurous.

Some of our adventures involved pilgrimages to wacky and interesting spots in Hollywood, FL and Dania Beach. We created our own myths, like the Dragon Man in Dania or the time capsule lingerie store called Melina's. I cannot claim Melina’s as "our discovery" because it has a cult like following in South Florida. But we happened on it by chance strolling along Hollywood Blvd. Hollywood Blvd is a trendy strip in Hollywood that features, restaurants, galleries, boutiques, clubs, etc. Mostly newer constructs. But located at the end of the strip is one landmark store that has been there over 75 years: Melina's Lingerie store. 

First off, you would never know that it was in business, despite the well maintained window displays. It was never open. Melina herself told a reporter that she made her own hours and if you wanted to catch her, best to visit the store at midnight. There is definitely an air of mystery to the business. 

The spacious store had several large window displays. The mannequins were all old time (a la 1950's) women in various stiff poses and wearing all sorts of racey lingerie: crotchless panties, pasties, garters, etc. I especially admired Melina's quirky accessories like this barbershop style straw hat on a scantily clad model.

Then there was the roulette type of luck you took trying to catch her open. But we persevered and were allowed entry one day. Inside, you quickly noticed that it was not a fully stocked lingerie store. Old school racks and mannequins displayed eclectic lingerie.  Not huge selection nor size range. Let's just say, she specialized in a niche clientele. 

But the thing that caught our attention right away was the fact that Melina had the store separated by a thick and heavy curtain drawn across the middle of the store. As we tried to venture a peek behind the curtain we were immediately scolded. In a gravely and menacing voice Melina commanded "There is nothing back there!".  She stopped us in our tracks. Now mind you, neither C nor I are meek kittens, but we obeyed. Under her scary stare, we withdrew, we looked at each other and let our imaginations run. Ultimately, we both concluded that there must be a chained up man behind those curtains. At the mercy of the stern, accented matron who ran this bizarre show.

This became our lore and we continued to embellish our fantasy. To this day, all either of us has to do is summon up a Garbo-esque throaty voice warning the other “there is nothing back there!” and we break into fits and giggles.

Melina's Lingerie store had such a presence that at 97 years old, she received the honor of the city naming her store a historic landmark! This made me very happy. Sadly, Melina closed her doors when she turned 100 years of age. Applause, applause, Melina, I tip my barber shop straw hat to you.

Now, I share this tale to amuse, but also to encourage everyone who feels less sexy because of whatever age is haunting you to be your own diva. I have enjoyed lingerie in many different stages in my life. Some subtle feminine pieces, others straight up fetish. Now a days I like a sensual, flirty sexy appeal. Comfort is more important, so no more tall heels or terribly uncomfortable outfits. As a curvey woman, I always liked corsets. This is a charcoal and ink self portrait of me as a siren in my black lace corset. We all need the pizazz of 97 year old Melina.