One year recovery anniversary through lens of my art journal

September 19th is the one year anniversary of my emergency hospitalization for cervical myelopathy that resulted in cervical surgery (corpectomy and fusions). Three months after that on December 27th, I again had an emergency hospitalization and that resulted in thoracic spinal sugery (T9-12)

You see, my entire spine has sustained a lot of damage over time; to the point that the spinal compression was severe enough for paralysis and fatality. I ended up having two complicated neurosugeries  (cervical and thoracic) over three months. 

I am coming up on my one year anniversary of my first emergency hospitalization/surgery. I want to share with you two different art journal entries I created this year about my recoveries. To hear a much more detailed story with visuals, check out my You Tube video here. 

This first page was made five months post op from my cervical surgery. As you can see, I felt stuck, angry and sad. This was most optimistic page I created at that time. I tried to envision hope with the yellow at top. But falling over and pain were paramount in my mind. The overall sense in this piece is being unable to break through brick walls, tears, pain and not being able to walk or balance. I felt defeated.

In the second art journal spread, I focussed on the physical realm and the emotional realms. 

Having been to hell and back in both those worlds, I have adopted the phoenix as a special animal symbol for myself. Legend has it that the phoenix re-births itself after being consumed by fire. 

Yes. She swooped up beside me and I felt the wisps of flames licking my skin as she flew by.

You still see tears but I am now releasing some emotional tears (blue), not just the red ones of pain and fury. I incorporated butterflies for transformation and drew on the wisdom of my ancestors through the High Priestess tarot card. 

I only used paper that I had drawn on, painted, stamped or altered in some way. I like working in layers. Can you spot the three hospital bands in each art journal piece? They are white, red and yellow. They were color copies of the actual bands I wore for a month. You can find the white band in the video.  This photo cropped it out.

There is so much to say about this first year of recovery. It is like an onion. But what I take away is resilience, acceptance and yet, still I hold onto hope. And maybe one more . . . gratitude. Yes, I'll leave it at that.

Find your tribe

I created this art journal entry thinking I might make it my Facebook profile banner. But I'm not proficient at editing photos and I cannot make it smaller in height, while maintaining the length. Perhaps pink is a stereotypical color for women's month. But it is also the color related to heart and sentiment.

In life, you need to find your tribe. Find the people that lift you up and grow with you. It may or may not include family. The word tribe used to describe chosen people in your life that make up your family was first introduced in the LGBTQ community. Makes sense as so many queers were ostracized by their loved ones. So they created alternate family. In the 1980s, when I came out, you could ask someone "are you ‘family’”? And that was a buzz word for LGBTQ.  Later it became "tribe" instead of "family". Now, “tribe”is part of our mainstream lexicon. (If I am incorrect in this  observation, please let me know.)

While I chose an un conventional life journey, I have always been family oriented; so I have always tried to include my immediate family in my chosen family/tribe. But I have non-biological family in my tribe as well. Beloved friends I've known for decades, and even new friends. My tribe values self expression, healing work, social awareness, non-conformity and non-judgmental attitudes. We are also very creative, joyful, and fun.

Currently, I am relying on my tribe to support me during a difficult time. Of course I have the physical healing of my double spinal decompression surgeries and my RA. But I am also heartbroken. Several loved ones are facing hard times and I feel for them. But I am also grieving a falling out with someone I love. A much loved person, who has been close to me my entire life, is very angry with me. They are pulling back from me. Granted, I have pulled back from them, but not as drastically. The issues are almost irrelevant because it is impossible to have a lifetime relationship with someone in which you never have conflict. So the issues I brought forth are just wrinkles of frustration I felt we needed to iron out. But we do not have a history of being able to navigate disagreements easily.

I knew my friend would take my constructive criticism of certain behaviors personally, But I felt confident that upon reflection, she would come back and say something along the lines of  “OK, I hear you . . . " 

However, my attempt to initiate a discussion about things that are difficult for me were met with indignation. I do not feel I was heard at all. My words were twisted into something different - a personal attack of their character. We are at an impasse and I feel there is nothing I can do. I cannot stay silent when certain behaviors are alienating me. I need a two-way street in which we both listen to and try accommodate each other’s needs. I haven’t always advocated for myself in this regard. But I have grown to value myself enough to ask for what I need. Unfortunately, I have accepted many relationships in my life which were unequal in acceptance. But no more.

I have shed many tears over this falling out and I feel a bit rudderless in my life right now. I am grieving the relationship I wish I had with this person. The irony is that this person feels I do not love them, value them or respect them. 

Thank God, I have my tribe to offer a shoulder for sadness.  I trust in their constructive feedback. It makes a huge difference. I did not always have a great support network. Actually, this is a skill I have learned late in life. I have had to reach out and bring in those I want to create family with. I seem to be in a golden era of my life in which I am manifesting much that I have desired both within myself and with others.

I have heard from many people in South Florida that it is difficult to make friends here and I agree. From 25 years here, I only have a few, but they are solid. Most of my ride-or-die mates are folks I've known for decades. I learned late in life that I needed to tell those I love that I love them and to show them often. I learned to nurture relationships. And I learned to expect occasional turbulence and how to resolve conflict constructively and with kindness.

Do you have such a circle of people in your life if not, what prohibits you from finding them?

 

Art Journal 2 The artist within

 

My art circle did our second art journal page. We dedicated it to getting acquainted with our inner artist. 

Our facilitator, Salina, led us in a guided visualization where we joined a community of artists around a campfire. One artist emerges and comes to us. She symbolized our source and inspiration. I chose as my artist a woman named Sue Ellen Parkinson and her painting of Eve as a grandmother called "Guided by Stars". (on left of page). Eve is mature, wise and experienced. She ain't afraid  of no snake! Actually, the symbol of a large white snake is a personal totem for me. It brings the wisdom of my ancestors. She is pictured eating an apple, emanating sensuality, creativity, inspiration. 

Then we came back from this visualization and began  exploring where we are today as an artist. The image I chose to represent me now is a mask painting of Persephone by Lauren Raine.  I love mythologies and her story is a great allegory. Persephone rises from the netherworld having survived all the trials of this journey (my 61 years of living). She springs forth bearing gifts for the world. 

The paint brushes show my preferred choice of art medium and the Van Gogh Chica refers to this blog, which is a vehicle for creative writing  and expression. The World tarot card  positions me as having completed a long journey with peace and harmony to share.

Art journal 1

I have committed to a three month exploration of art journaling. I meet with 13 women from all over on zoom  and we create and share. It is led by a teacher/facilitator. I did not know any of these women, I joined a Meetup.com group for this creative project. I am using this as a form of art therapy for me. I think I will like it. This is my first page.

We set intentions for this 12 week creative process. I choose to focus on my physical healing recovery from autoimmune disease. Interestingly, several women in this group are also dealing with health issues. My body and it's distress are something that preoccupies my life right now and is the  source of much sadness, disappointment, worry  and anger. I am working with natural healing efforts as well as pharmaceuticals. Yet I still am living with a lot of pain. My RA is spreading at a fast rate and I am facing several secondary problems that require yucky interventions. Spinal epidurals, possible joint replacement (again), steroids. It is difficult to perform daily activities. I am really down about these developments. 

The evening we got together for our first journal page, my hands were in severe pain. Painful nodules encompassing joints and new fingers now affected. Even though my hands hurt, I was determined to create with them. That is why I started by covering the bottom half of my page red. Red for pain, inflammation, anger. I wanted to start with that and envision a brighter future with a light yellow rising above the red.

Tree imagery resonates with me. I love their grounding presence and am comforted by their shade and solidness.

They teach us a lesson of perseverance and letting go of what does not suit us. Trees breathe and get moisture through their leaves. When it is summer, leaves grow plentiful and when temperatures drop and the tree does not need so much moisture, they shed their leaves. One of my group sisters shared that analogy. Trees are also home to critters and a place to play. 

I love my childhood memories of special trees. As a 5 year old, I found a magical tree with which I could control the weather. I used a coat hanger stuck in one of it's branches to perform my feats. I charged a penny to hot and sweaty neighborhood kids to lower the temperature a few degrees! We really believed it worked. I was a tree whisperer. Around eight, I loved sitting under a huge honeysuckle tree. The shade and sweet flowers and their aroma was so soothing on summer days. Pulling the center filament out of the honeysuckle flower and dabbing the sweetness on my tongue. Honeysuckle has remained a lifelong favorite scent of mine. As an adult, I have had crushes on special trees that I came across. I would constantly touch them, spend time under them and make small offerings to the tree.   Even my family adopted the imagery of a full branched tree as a source comfort and nurturance. My parents' tombstone displays just such a magnificent tree. This is a painting inspired by their tombstone.

Our facilitator helped me quiet my inner critic as I bemoaned that I did not have the right supplies and that I did not like my page. A few multicolored tear drops, collage pieces that point to writing and art as a vehicle for healing and a fiery purification float across the page. The little owl symbolizes my innate wisdom that I learned to recognize over decades. The vertical strip on the left side of the page is an homage to my mother. My mother was a whiz with mathematics and financial affaires. She used to use an old fashioned keyboard calculator, complete with a paper roll displaying the sums. When she died, I found many unused rolls of calculator paper. I could not throw them away; so I decorated them. I stained, stamped and embellished these archaic office supplies and now incorporate them into letters or journals etc.

I reluctantly offer up this journal page for viewing. It is practice for letting go of my inner critic stranglehold on my creativity. My art journal incorporates artistic expression, but I do not see them as "works of art". But it is fun, releasing and getting my creative juices flowing. And the group process of journaling together is a wonderful healing tool. Even my feline companion, B, joined me in this process. 

She sensed my apprehension and vulnerability, so she held my "paw" entire time.