Find your tribe

I created this art journal entry thinking I might make it my Facebook profile banner. But I'm not proficient at editing photos and I cannot make it smaller in height, while maintaining the length. Perhaps pink is a stereotypical color for women's month. But it is also the color related to heart and sentiment.

In life, you need to find your tribe. Find the people that lift you up and grow with you. It may or may not include family. The word tribe used to describe chosen people in your life that make up your family was first introduced in the LGBTQ community. Makes sense as so many queers were ostracized by their loved ones. So they created alternate family. In the 1980s, when I came out, you could ask someone "are you ‘family’”? And that was a buzz word for LGBTQ.  Later it became "tribe" instead of "family". Now, “tribe”is part of our mainstream lexicon. (If I am incorrect in this  observation, please let me know.)

While I chose an un conventional life journey, I have always been family oriented; so I have always tried to include my immediate family in my chosen family/tribe. But I have non-biological family in my tribe as well. Beloved friends I've known for decades, and even new friends. My tribe values self expression, healing work, social awareness, non-conformity and non-judgmental attitudes. We are also very creative, joyful, and fun.

Currently, I am relying on my tribe to support me during a difficult time. Of course I have the physical healing of my double spinal decompression surgeries and my RA. But I am also heartbroken. Several loved ones are facing hard times and I feel for them. But I am also grieving a falling out with someone I love. A much loved person, who has been close to me my entire life, is very angry with me. They are pulling back from me. Granted, I have pulled back from them, but not as drastically. The issues are almost irrelevant because it is impossible to have a lifetime relationship with someone in which you never have conflict. So the issues I brought forth are just wrinkles of frustration I felt we needed to iron out. But we do not have a history of being able to navigate disagreements easily.

I knew my friend would take my constructive criticism of certain behaviors personally, But I felt confident that upon reflection, she would come back and say something along the lines of  “OK, I hear you . . . " 

However, my attempt to initiate a discussion about things that are difficult for me were met with indignation. I do not feel I was heard at all. My words were twisted into something different - a personal attack of their character. We are at an impasse and I feel there is nothing I can do. I cannot stay silent when certain behaviors are alienating me. I need a two-way street in which we both listen to and try accommodate each other’s needs. I haven’t always advocated for myself in this regard. But I have grown to value myself enough to ask for what I need. Unfortunately, I have accepted many relationships in my life which were unequal in acceptance. But no more.

I have shed many tears over this falling out and I feel a bit rudderless in my life right now. I am grieving the relationship I wish I had with this person. The irony is that this person feels I do not love them, value them or respect them. 

Thank God, I have my tribe to offer a shoulder for sadness.  I trust in their constructive feedback. It makes a huge difference. I did not always have a great support network. Actually, this is a skill I have learned late in life. I have had to reach out and bring in those I want to create family with. I seem to be in a golden era of my life in which I am manifesting much that I have desired both within myself and with others.

I have heard from many people in South Florida that it is difficult to make friends here and I agree. From 25 years here, I only have a few, but they are solid. Most of my ride-or-die mates are folks I've known for decades. I learned late in life that I needed to tell those I love that I love them and to show them often. I learned to nurture relationships. And I learned to expect occasional turbulence and how to resolve conflict constructively and with kindness.

Do you have such a circle of people in your life if not, what prohibits you from finding them?