The time is now

 

This is a large self portrait I did a couple years ago. It is pencil on paper.  I am standing in front of a poster for an art exhibit called Retratos, that featured Latino self portraits. I love this self portrait of mine because it shows me laughing with wild abandon. Just really enjoying myself fully and in the moment.

And that is how I am consciously trying to live my life now. One thing that chronic illness has taught me is that you never know when an ability or self sufficiency will be taken away from you. So as long as I remain kicking and making a ruckus in this world; I am living with the intent of "the time is now".

What this means for me is to enjoy and explore what I have as far as physical, mental and emotional gifts. And to not deny myself of many "do-able" things I want. My special form of self sabotage manifests as guilt for wanting pampering and TLC, putting off things I want for an undefinable future. 

Now, I live modestly and I am not talking about giving myself a green light to buy exorbitant or expensive items that are not wise investments. I am talking about relatively small things. For example, not wearing underwear or PJ's until they're quite literally falling apart. It is OK to splurge on new underwear or loungewear to wear around my house! It means going to the nursery with my friend DL to buy nursery plants to put on my porch because I want that beauty around me when I sit outside.  "The time is now" means hanging my art around my home and buying frames for pictures I want to display.  Spending a little on making my home more homey. "The time is now" means letting myself bring things into my life that I have longed for and are totally within my budget. Not postpone or deny myself.

These type of indulgences may seem small and no big deal.   The psychological aspect of denying myself things I want for silly reasons like guilt or " should not's" was deeply in entrenched. I am not sure where this came from; I was given everything I needed and then some growing up in my parents home. I suspect my immature political consciousness contributed to my self denial. Perhaps it is because I never really had a lucrative career; so I was always on a tight budget. And I chose to work with marginalized communities that literally were wanting of the basic necessities.  So I often compared myself to them.

This denial was not just related to tangible objects, but also activities and interests.  It's taken decades for me to realize that I can choose to work towards a beautiful world while also enjoying a beautiful life that fuels my soul.  I am calling in the bounty of the tarot's Empress major arcanum. I am encouraging daily time to make art. I am giving myself a little treats that boost my morale while I'm dealing with a lot of pain in my chronic illness and I'm letting go of any guilt.

Are there things you have denied yourself for self sabotaging reasons?