Resistance in Bloom

I created this 12”X12”mixed media canvas inspired by the brave Palestinians living in horrific conditions while enduring a genocidal onslaught by Israel. I look at videos by people one the ground there and am heartbroken and enraged. One thing stands out to me within their misery; and that is the Palestinian people’s perseverance to still display their culture and joy for life. Amid ruins, you see them in groups dancing their Dabke and cheering each other in joyful expressions. Facing famine, Palestinian chefs, living in tents, are making videos of how they cook versions of Palestinian dishes with whatever food they can forage. Their determination to survive is expressed in everything they do. 

This art piece consists of collage, acrylic ink and paint, pencil and gelatos.

I went for a grungy background with muted keffiyeh designs floating on surface. I included two black bullet holes. I overlayed this with collaged brilliant flower petals, symbolizing the joy for life coming through. I scribbled messy black outlines over my flowers. 

Although I initially saw the piece being about the Palestine struggle; while creating it, I realized it also speaks to all people enduring battles and not just surviving but thriving. And for me, it really hit home regarding my struggle as an artist living with aggressive RA.

You see, I wanted to create floating flowers over the background that would really pop. So I cut each petal out of vibrant papers I had painted and printed.

But my hands were not cooperating. Due to my RA, my hands and fingers are very stiff, painful and I have lost dexterity. Cutting and gluing the flower petals was very difficult. Just holding paintbrushes and such  results in constant drops. It was maddening.

But I persevered. I took more breaks and it took longer than before. My art is my version of brilliant flowers floating over my private war zone. This piece also speaks to all people who choose to celebrate joy and spread love while dealing with their own struggles. If you like this piece, you can buy a print of it in my Etsy shop.

When I feel defeated as an artist by my body’s inability to move pain-free or with my loss of hand dexterity, I often draw inspiration from the life of renowned Impressionist painter Pierre-August Renoir (1841-1919).  Few people know that in the last several decades of his life, Renoir lived with debilitating rheumatoid arthritis. At a time when little could be done to treat the disease, Renoir, confined to a wheelchair, used his own ingenuity and positive thinking to devise and build contraptions that would hold the paintbrush to his crippled hands. 

Over 200 of his beloved impressionist paintings created during these years hang in museums around the world. He is one of my heroes.

"I see you"

The other day I went to my local medical marijuana dispensary to refill my prescribed gummies and cream. I take a half of an Indica gummy at bedtime and the cream is for joint pain. I also have a 1:1 tincture I can use to combat inflammation and general feeling of malaise. 

I have been struggling with a bad RA flare due to the body trauma my shoulder injury and surgery caused. So I am moving very slowly on my cane, in pain. I had already put the items I wanted in my cart online and just had to check-out. The young man that attended me at check-out was a handsome Brit. He was very friendly and we chatted easily. 

In hindsight, I see we were vibing. At one point he paused and looked me straight in the eye and with a playful drawl said "I see you Deborah" and he winked at me. Then he continued "I see your beautiful watermelon earrings". I figured he knew that watermelon is a solidarity symbol for Palestinian liberation. So I raised a fist and mouthed "yes!". But it did not seem to register with him.

Cutie-pie then playfully continued with " I see you Deb,  I see those colorful frames you have. I SEE you, Deborah ." A big smile and another wink.

I realized he was not noticing my earrings for Palestine but rather as cute colorful earrings.  And he liked my stylish colorful frames. Was he flirting with me? Nah, I thought. He must be an artist that is acknowledging another creative soul. Hmmm. He continued to check me out and talking playfully with me about discounts he was giving me. Big smiles.  OK. Yep, he was flirting with me.

I have always been good at picking up flirtatious energy but in the past couple years, as I have become more physically challenged with my autoimmune disease, I have not felt that attractive. So I was surprised. I looked more closely at him. He was young. Hard to tell how young. Black don't crack so his skin looked as smooth as a twenty something. But I think he was in his thirties. Wow.

I was pleasantly surprised and finally returned a big smile and nodded. But I was too late as someone behind me in line was asking for help. So he looked at me, and said "goodbye, come again soon." Missed opportunity on my part. I was flattered and amused. But surely, I thought, “I do not want a thirty something cutie-pie”. Or would I?

At dispensaries, if you need to use their restrooms, you have to leave your purchases at the counter with a sales associate. I said I wanted to use theirs so he said he would keep my bag. Suddenly I realized, damn! he is going to see me walking to back of the store with my cane. He had not seen me approaching the counter so he did not know I came in with a cane. I became very ashamed and self conscious of using a cane. I felt it would undo all the fun energy we were experiencing. 

So I dawdled and kept loitering at the counter until he went back to his customer. Then I bee-lined it to the bathroom sans cane. And wouldn't you know it, but another sales associate spoke out loudly “Ma'am, you forgot your cane." for all the counter to hear, including cutie-pie!

I was mortified. I walked back slowly and took my cane. I looked at cutie-pie and we both smiled. When I left he was deep in consultation with another customer. I left using my cane. In the car I felt so mad about having to use a cane and my diminished ability these days. I was going into a self hate spiral. But I was able to break free from that thinking. I reassured myself that I will get better (hopefully), things are just hard at this time. I know that I have to make friends with my body and her abilities. I need to embrace with gratitude my mobility aides and adaptive devices. Love myself as a vibrant and creative soul. 

My wounded self image reminded me of a drawing I once did in a figure drawing class. One day a young model and I spoke before class. I thanked her for modeling. She said she liked the money but she was also modeling nude because she likes to see her body interpreted by the art students in the class. Indeed, models usually come around at break and look at your drawing and may comment. 

She explained to me that she had deep body shame struggles and had been recovering from that for a while. I saw a beautiful woman, voluptuous. But she struggled to find herself beautiful. 

This is the drawing I made in class.  Usually drawing class exercises do not produce finished works or works you prize. It is practice. I like it because  think I captured her beautiful curves but also her self consciousness. It reminds me to love my own body.  And to be kind to myself regarding body image.

I am going to look for my old drawing pad with this exercise. I want to put it someplace that reminds me that body acceptance is all in your head and heart and not really in your body at all.

This recollection helped me me appreciate the fun flirtation I had and to say 'yeah, he saw me and he liked me!"  And accept myself worthy of that appreciation, just as I am.

My above mixed media whimsical painting depicts a soulful face that radiates renewable energy, vibration. The body is not so important. But it can carry light.

 

Exercising when your body is not cooperating

I have wanted to write a series of posts about exercising with rheumatoid arthritis. I envisioned one post dealing with the early years of RA, before I was even diagnosed but had symptoms. Another when I was still able to be somewhat active and was able to work part time. And the last for where I am today. But the past several months have been physically difficult and I have not felt up to writing as much. A traumatic shoulder injury which ended up with a big shoulder surgery in March has caused my body to be in a terrible flare for an extended period of time. So, as most of you with chronic illness know, my best laid plans had to be modified. I will just write about where I am today for now.

I am now finishing a course of steroids and am out of my shoulder sling and starting PT. Even though I am still struggling with this flare,  I feel able to resume some of my normal activities. What I am describing in this post is exercise suited to those that need very gentle, low impact, stretching and toning. 

If you are starting your own personalized exercise program and you have physical limitations such as described here, one word of caution: be careful with whom you share your research, plans and finds. I found out the hard way that despite best intentions, able bodied loved ones are often not able to support you in the best ways possible. Without education about your illness and an intimate knowledge of your current abilities, they will likely suggest things that are not helpful. They may want to exercise with you or give you feedback when they try out your exercises and props. This can often result with you comparing yourself to their abilities, which is demoralizing. Your best advice and support will come from others with similar issues and people trained to work with us. 

The above photo shows most of my current go-to props I use to help me stretch and move. My RA flares hit my spine hard. Upon sitting up, standing and walking, I feel like I have an ice pick thrust up the center of my spine. My knee, both shoulders and neck are very painful. And my hands have become compromised with severe carpal tunnel (due to the acute inflammation in my wrist and hands). Total numbness in thumbs and pointer finger. Pain and tingling. And the fatigue.

So, exercise for me during this time is very gentle. It focuses on flexibility, gentle movement and if it is a good day, mild activity. My yoga mat with knee pad to kneel on while getting up are essential. That pink indulating ring is a transfer aide. Especially because I cannot push up with my post-op right arm; I often need help getting up. This device makes it easier for my friend and myself to get me up onto two feet. Way better than him trying to use his hands or trying to lift me from behind. By the way, can you tell I love purple? I love all colors (except not so much black), but purple resonates with my creative spirit.

I cannot recommend enough “restorative yoga” for people needing gentle stretching.

It focuses on breathing and holding non-painful stretches with the aide of props. It not only helps me move easier, but it is also a great stress reliever. I use the big blue body bolster for poses that invert my legs, open my back and allow a soft yet firm surface to rest parts of my body. The firm rectangular brick is versatile as well. I use it to help in moves that tone muscles (i.e. holding between knees) and to elevate parts of my body. My latest favorite thing is my Pilates ring. It came with a set of cards that detail different exercises. They are geared to my basic level. The hand grips can be used for resistance, pulling, holding parts of your body in place (i.e. ankles, knees). 

It took me a while to assemble these favorite aides. I googled short appropriate exercises on YouTube and I asked and learned from my physical therapist. I  heavily borrow from Silver Sneakers for seniors; they provide a wealth of online any-length videos for all types of exercises.  I perused yoga videos for my poses and I asked others with RA about their own exercise recommendations. I bought some  PT devices that I can now use at home. For example, Amazon and TEMU have cheap pulleys to put over your door for passive range of motion. 

Have fun in your approach. For me, I wanted colorful props. I wanted easy cards and videos to guide me. Relaxing music, and even fun stamps and stickers to reward myself. (Yes, I did use to  be a kindergarten teacher.) I have a Facebook RA group that I share my finds and accomplishments with. And now I have FlareFamily.com to interact with others with autoimmune illnesses. Have fun with it. Practice acceptance of your body and her abilities. I do find that one very hard. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy. 

I welcome any ideas and sharing on this topic. Get moving!

I painted this Warrior pose.  9"X12", acrylic.